Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.
| I watch Fox News so I know all about the plot against Christmas. That's right: conspirators are subverting people's belief in Santa. As a small business owner, and a believer in Santa Claus (I even saw him in a shopping mall once), I make this pledge: For every 1000 boxes of Wrongcards you buy I will send you a Fox News coffee mug (possibly chipped). Christmas saved, kids.
Planet Earth has been a blast lately. On the positive side, everybody has jumped on the 'Socially Isolating Yourself' bandwagon; guys, I've actually been doing that my entire life! I even built an entire website to help people become more socially isolated. You can just share cards like this with people and you're done. You don't even need to pretend to sell Essential Oils any more.
If it weren’t for women I don’t reckon men would bother with Fathers Day. And the concept of birthdays doesn’t make sense to us either. “HE knows it’s the annivesary of his birth: why do WE have to remind him?” Also - cutlery wouldn't exist without women. We'd still have can-openers though. We’d have racks of really, really expensive can-openers hanging proudly on our walls.
As an enlightened sort of bloke I often feel a heavy weight of responsibility to help my fellow man understand that Romance topic that women like to yap about. Fellas, try to share half the pizza with her, alright? And remember, romance doesn't cost much when there are free wrongcards to send, or even just fresh flower bouquets laying about unattended near new graves. Here to help.