I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
The only reason Wrongcards has not officially endorsed a religion is because we haven't yet received a sponsorship offer. My hope is that we'll be sponsored by Christianity though I don't know much about it other than its founder was a tall, bearded, blue-eyed guy with North-American good looks. Still, his followers seem to be pretty heavily-armed, which I think is pretty persuasive really.
Today is Good Friday. I don't know what Good Friday is about because I haven't read the Bible yet but I have, of course, discerned that there was a lot in the Bible about how much Jesus liked chocolate eggs. If I was a messiah everyone would be setting fire to clowns, then sitting about eating pudding afterwards. But chocolate eggs are okay I guess.
I like Easter. It's a time in which I feel a great kinship with everyone because now, more than any other time of year, people are glancing at each other, thinking, 'wait a minute, does this make any sense to you?' In other news I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and, if you're there, you are welcome to buy me tea. Kidnappers need not apply.
My Grandmother taught me everything there is to know about world religions, ie. lizards from space have infiltrated all world governments, we're part of the resistance, and all other religious beliefs are crazy. She taught me to be tolerant, and believe in all religions, except when they contradict the stuff about lizards because that's just CIA disinformation to test our faith. Hi Nanna!
These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
I've been meaning to become religious for a while now. I think I'd be really good at it. Everyone would be DAMN he's good at being religious, and I'd be like I KNOW RIGHT. I'd be better at being religious than Jesus, who, let's face it, kept a back-up career just in case (carpentry). My favorite quote by Jesus? "Live by the carpentry, die by the carpentry." See? Good at being religious.
I've never known much about religion. I guess I'm agnostic because I don't want to wind up having to look surprised. Sadly, having a foot in both camps just means everyone feels obligated to preach at you. Today's card is about the Eating of the Eucharist. It's my way of coping with being recently told that it's not a biscuit.
This week's Re-hash Wednesday card is, predictably, an Easter card. And for the record: You Probably Shouldn't Send It to Anyone. You see what I did there? I urged you to live responsibly. Good. My work here is done.
It's re-hash Wednesday and .. I'm not sure what the Passover is, except that it might be how my Jewish friends celebrate Easter. Moses probably played a part, though, or the Apostles (if Moses wasn't an Apostle). Never said I was good at religion but you can't expect a man to be good at everything.
