Tagged as #jesus.


Jesus birthday

I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
Ecard text: One thing that really sucked about Jesus life was having to get his birthday presents AND Christmas presents on the same day each year.

just try

The only reason Wrongcards has not officially endorsed a religion is because we haven't yet received a sponsorship offer. My hope is that we'll be sponsored by Christianity though I don't know much about it other than its founder was a tall, bearded, blue-eyed guy with North-American good looks. Still, his followers seem to be pretty heavily-armed, which I think is pretty persuasive really.
Ecard text: Dear Jewish person, I agree to be your friend on the condition that you at least TRY not to kill Jesus when he comes back.

traditional easter

Today is Good Friday. I don't know what Good Friday is about because I haven't read the Bible yet but I have, of course, discerned that there was a lot in the Bible about how much Jesus liked chocolate eggs. If I was a messiah everyone would be setting fire to clowns, then sitting about eating pudding afterwards. But chocolate eggs are okay I guess.
Ecard text: To truly celebrate Easter in the traditional way we must first locate an unorthodox thinker who challenges the status quo and then nail him to some planks.

sky wizard

I like Easter. It's a time in which I feel a great kinship with everyone because now, more than any other time of year, people are glancing at each other, thinking, 'wait a minute, does this make any sense to you?' In other news I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and, if you're there, you are welcome to buy me tea. Kidnappers need not apply.
Ecard text: The wizard in the sky wants you to buy chocolate wrapped in aluminium in remembrance of a politically-motivated execution of a guy who just wanted everybody to get nice.

catholic vegetarian

My Grandmother taught me everything there is to know about world religions, ie. lizards from space have infiltrated all world governments, we're part of the resistance, and all other religious beliefs are crazy. She taught me to be tolerant, and believe in all religions, except when they contradict the stuff about lizards because that's just CIA disinformation to test our faith. Hi Nanna!
Ecard text: Maybe Jesus wouldn't have avoided us so much in the last 2000 years if we hadn't kept ritualistically eating his corpse.

pointy hats

These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.
Ecard text: Jesus was very adamant. All human relationships with the higher power must be negotiated by a priesthood of men in a palace, presided over by a man in a very pointy hat. It's a Bible thing.

a christmas exegesis

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
Ecard text: So some Italians nailed a pacifist, anti-materialist Jewish guy to a few planks and now we celebrate his birthday with a shopping spree. And while this is not considered tactless, it is considered tactless to mention it.

easter lesson

I've been meaning to become religious for a while now. I think I'd be really good at it. Everyone would be DAMN he's good at being religious, and I'd be like I KNOW RIGHT. I'd be better at being religious than Jesus, who, let's face it, kept a back-up career just in case (carpentry). My favorite quote by Jesus? "Live by the carpentry, die by the carpentry." See? Good at being religious.
Ecard text: The lesson I have taken away from Easter is that if you are really, really, really nice to people, you will be betrayed by your friends, murdered and then, 2000 years later, everyone will remember you by eating a randomly chosen chocolate animal.

transubstantiation

I've never known much about religion. I guess I'm agnostic because I don't want to wind up having to look surprised. Sadly, having a foot in both camps just means everyone feels obligated to preach at you. Today's card is about the Eating of the Eucharist. It's my way of coping with being recently told that it's not a biscuit.
Ecard text: Jesus. Meat Industry Lobbyist.

easter guilt trip

Ecard text: Some Romans killed a nice man and then people began to worship him as a God. Then people said 'He DIED for you!? except it turns out you can't kill a God that easily and three days later he was back on his feet anyway.

unthanked benefactor

This week's Re-hash Wednesday card is, predictably, an Easter card. And for the record: You Probably Shouldn't Send It to Anyone. You see what I did there? I urged you to live responsibly. Good. My work here is done.
Ecard text: When we are eating our Easter Eggs this year we should remember to give thanks to Judas for making the holiday possible.

easter isn't tactless

Ecard text: If I ever survived a crucifixion, the last thing I'd want to think about or see again is a crucifix. But I'm sure Jesus doesn't think the whole Easter festival is tactless.

hoping it goes okay

It's re-hash Wednesday and .. I'm not sure what the Passover is, except that it might be how my Jewish friends celebrate Easter. Moses probably played a part, though, or the Apostles (if Moses wasn't an Apostle). Never said I was good at religion but you can't expect a man to be good at everything.
Ecard text: i hope that Jesus doesn't show up and ruin your passover...

happy jewish holiday

Ecard text: hope you have a great jewish holiday. but im sorry your messiah isn't very punctual.

jesus doesn't like you

Ecard text: jesus doesn't like you. Guess who is going to hell? here is a hint - it's not me.