Tagged as #kinky.


reciprocity

Some companies profiteer from war. Others profiteer from love. Which is worse? Here at Wrongcards™ we like to ask the hard questions. Like - is our company guilt-tripping you with stupid made-up holidays? Or are we culture assassins engaged in a war on savagery and kitsch? The answer to that question is really up to you. Or, rather, our lawyers, who very boringly overruled this slogan idea for our website: 'Wrongcards: The Halliburton of Ecards'.
Ecard text: Here is your Valentines Day card. Now it is your turn to do something for me. Vaseline.

rocky phase

Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
Ecard text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.

still want you

Romance today is all about half-measures. It's gotten so bad that boys don't even steal flowers from graves any more, they just buy 'em in a shop. That's like saying 'I'll do anything to win and retain your affections provided it's convenient and lawful'. Once, lovers red-lined their emotions well into the realm of corpse desecration. But its ok, Romance can be saved; Wrongcards is taking it back!
Ecard text: I want you to know that I would still want to be with you even if I COULD lick my own genitals.

sheep

I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
Ecard text: If God didnt want me to practice on you he would have given me a sheep farm.

not half so adventurous

May 9th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. I believe that every washing machine manufactured after 1963 was designed to eat precisely one sock per month, just to keep everybody in the consumer world a little off-balance. So where do all the socks go? They're sacrificed, with noble intent, for our collective unease. It's a religion I'm starting. And, of course, I'll be taking donations...
Ecard text: I'm not half as sexually adventurous as Mr Sock.

sweet anteater lover

Anteaters were once thought to be related to aardvarks but they turned out to be related to sloths and armadillos. I have never seem an anteater but I've seen several wombats. Anteaters aren't related to wombats but I don't see any reason why they wouldn't get along. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to any anteater reading this.
Ecard text: I want to make sweet love to you like an anteater.

celery

Anniversaries, right? People have them. Not me, so much, 'cause I believe that honesty is important in relationships. Wait, is that another thing Oprah was wrong about? Jesus Oprah! Anyway. It's beside the point. This card is pretty much NSFW. But I think most wrongcards are pretty much NSFW because, unlike most, I believe in good taste, decency and mental cleanliness. Happy Thursday...
Ecard text: Let's celebrate our anniversary by thinking of each other when we're fapping.

loneliness

Zombies - a fad that just won't die (bada-ba-ching!). Are zombies just a metaphor for consumer culture? Or do they symbolize the unshakable unease of post-modernity? Are we simply fated to wake up one day and find ourselves fighting for our lives? Or will it only 'seem' that way to the infected? Hell, don't ask me, I've got my own demons and today's card is a reminder of the fact...
Ecard text: A zombie apocalypse can get pretty lonely. But no matter how alone, how bored, how curious, don't even think about it.

cat safety

I had a pretty normal childhood even though I was raised by my Nanna after my parents were kidnapped by lizard people. Nanna was in the underground before our side surrendered, and she had to live in 'psychic hiding' (constant inebriation) to avoid detection by mind scanners. So coming up with Mothers Day cards is, of course, a bit tricky. But what I like about this card is that it is reassuring.
Ecard text: Happy Mothers Day. Thank you for raising me to be someone around whom cats are very safe, no matter how amorous I might be feeling.

concessions to romance

Like a few dozen other men I have a bit of a romantic streak. Sometimes I buy myself lilies or I light scented candles and take long baths. Or I put on some hip-hop and have a bit of a cry for no reason at all. I'll get annoyed at my lady and not tell her why and just wash up loudly. Or not talk to her because of something she did in one of my dreams. Othertimes - I just make a wrongcard.
Ecard text: Sure, it's up to you to decide how you feel about my wanting to touch you with a halibut. I just think it would be easier if you went with 'flattered'.

mayonnaise

Today is re-hash Wednesday; I post an older card and then ever so slightly exaggerate my plans for the rest of the afternoon. By the way, I hope today's card doesn't discourage anyone. Frankly, I hope it inspires a certain spirit of scientific inquiry.
Ecard text: mayonnaise makes the night more memorable

society was not ready

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card for the sake of nostalgia and spend the rest of the day warning people about minotaurs stealing our jobs. I'll keep doing that until Fox News finally runs a panel discussion on the subject. Then I'll just retire in sick horror.
Ecard text: 'Society was not yet ready for what Mister Bunny and I shared together that hot complicated summer in the long grass behind my Aunt's old farm house. But looking back through the window of memory I simply recall him as he no doubt was: a sensitive yet utterly spoiled stuffed toy with an irrepressible curiosity about his body and, to my delight, my own.'

progress report

So, what did you do today? I drew a smurf. What?! Yeah - a smurf. Damn, man. Yeah I know - keep me in your prayers.
Ecard text: Progress report: I now have THREE sexual fantasies of you that don't involve smurfs.

i don't judge you

I suspect that today's wrongcard may be a little Not Safe For Work though I'm not sure or good at judging that sort of thing. It's a WTF card, though, which means it is probably more impractical than usual. It's a pity that 'cards that are wrong for every occasion' is such an impractical idea. Next time I start a company I'll do a business plan.
Ecard text: Look, I don't judge you about YOUR taste in sex toys.

another positive thing

Ecard text: Another positive thing about midget porn is that it takes up 50% less space on your hard drive.

sheep are disappointing

Ecard text: No matter how lonely you get never turn to sheep. They are very disappointing, emotionally, even though they squirm nicely.

dating lonely agents

Ecard text: No matter how lonely you get you should never hang around teenage chat rooms trying to pick up lonely FBI agents.

deserving rewards

Ecard text: I remembered it is our anniversary. I also did my chores so technically I deserve for you to unlock the plastic animals cabinet.

slightly irregular

Ecard text: happy anniversary. perhaps now is as good a time as ever to own up about my slightly irregular foot fetish.

romantic sort of way

Ecard text: I enjoy touching you in a romantic sort of way. The secret chambers of my heart are haunted no longer by the delicious tactile squeak of inflatable farm animals. Nonetheless I think your effect on me has been positive overall.

custard is a lubricant

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of my day abusing substances. So far I think the best substance to abuse has been chocolate pudding. But your mileage may vary.
Ecard text: custard is also a lubricant

i wasn't this confused

Ecard text: i wasn't this confused before I met you.

sure no webcam

Ecard text: let's act like the webcam isn't switched on.

dont beat me

Ecard text: i love you please dont beat me with a stick

about you and me

This is one of the very first flirting cards we published. I feel that it is emotionally honest to let a person know just how awesome the night is going to be well in advance. It also gives them the chance to opt out in case they cannot handle high levels of pleasure.
Ecard text: tonight, it's just about you and me, and morris, my mildly bi-curious teddybear.

tonight's safe word

Ecard text: just remember, tonight's safe word is 'hmmffmmmff'

things are gonna crazy

Ecard text: 'Honey, I wanna get crazy tonight and Im not going to lie: things are gonna get weird.'

coffee and rohypnol

Ecard text: wanna come back to my place for coffee and rohypnol?