Tagged as #money.


special occasions

Alright blokes, you're fond of a lady but you can't very well show up in her kitchen at 3am, naked and covered in mud and broken glass, claiming to be a time-traveler. Trust me, I speak from experience when I say that women are far too jaded and cynical nowadays for that to work. My best advice? Send this card. My next best advice requires a gorilla suit but I don't give away ALL my trade secrets.
Ecard text: If we start dating then I would no longer need to pay for sex except on special occasions. So it would be win-win for both of us.

workplace honesty

Writing work emails is easy. First, I write what I have to say on a piece of paper, then I carefully set fire to that paper and stamp the ashes into oblivion. Then I take a muscle relaxant, sit down at my desk and type up the opposite of what I wrote on the paper and click send. Finally I stab my childhood teddy bear in the head with a pair of scissors.
Ecard text: They're not paying me enough money to NOT answer emails honestly.

not my real father

Ecard text: I would have forked out real money for a real Fathers Day card, but it turns out that God is my real father.

consumer goods

Ecard text: And personally I have no problem with it being an 'exchanging consumer goods for sex kind of holiday.

hate birthdays

Ecard text: i know that you hate birthdays, but it's not like you have many left. and a smiley face in the picture.