Tagged as #mortality.


long term plans

Did you know only 12 million Americans believe that the USA is secretly run by lizard people? It's a very disappointing statistic but lizards are good at disinformation. Today's wrongcard is for birthdays so why, then, am I talking about lizard people? Oh who knows why I do anything.
Ecard text: Happy Birthday. The other good news is that your need need to make long-term plans is decreasing year by year.

birthday heart

If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.
Ecard text: Happy Birthday. And remember: heart disease kills about one in every four people.

identical boxes

Do you know anybody having a birthday this weekend? If so, this is not really the best card to send them. Unless you're giving them a completely rubbish present and you want to draw attention away from it. I once gave someone a chocolate bar wrapped up in gift paper, but that was before chocolate bars got so expensive.
Ecard text: Happy Birthday. You're going to get old and live in one of thousands of identical boxes and then get sad and die. But today is not the day to think about that, ok?

calendar

It is a sad thing but sometimes people can get sick and this may occasionally result in the interruption of one's plans. Experience has taught me that nobody likes it when you leave a bed-side vigil to go jet-skiing. I believe this is because people are fundamentally irrational. Send a Get Well card and THEN you can go jet-skiing.
Ecard text: Get well soon, but failing that, try not to die on theses days.

pretty weird

Ecard text: 'I am sorry about your sudden and tragic loss. And can I spare you what was, for me, a painful lesson and suggest you do not idly bring up the topic of cannibalism? Take it from me:  people can get pretty weird at you about it.'

life goes on

Ecard text: Sorry to hear about your tragic loss but just remember that life goes on. (For some of us.)

god will have his jokes

Ecard text: I hope you enjoy your birthday because only God knows how many you have left or which birthday will be your last, and He just wants the whole thing to be an hilarious surprise.

life affirming

Ecard text: Im sorry that death is such a buzz kill and that Ive been thinking more about breasts than your tragic loss. I just find them very life-affirming. See? Life-affirming.

you're not going to die

Ecard text: why are you sick? i am lonely. you're not going to die are you?

brain parasites

Ecard text: 'Get well soon! There is a 33% chance that you are host to toxoplasmic brain parasites, which can kill you when your immune system is weakened. Like now-ish. So: feel better...'

solitary moment

Ecard text: a birthday is just a solitary moment in time during a long plummet down into a void of uncertainty. but you get to eat cake!

a quick reminder ...

Ecard text: a quick reminder - one day we all have to die! Hold it in your mind for a moment. Now back to the fun!