free ecards that are
wrong for every occasion

santa knew too much

December 15, 2015 · Kris St.Gabriel
Christmas Ecard with text: santa knew who was naughty and nice. he knew too much. he had to die. sorry.
view send

about this card:
santa knew too much | Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.

homeland security

December 11, 2015 · Kris St.Gabriel
Christmas Ecard with text: merry christmas from the u.s. department of homeland security. keeping the skies safe this holiday season!
view send

about this card:
homeland security | Christmas isn't just a capitalist holiday - there's a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you're not good at research. Did you know that Jesus' parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that's why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!

everything is fantastic

December 23, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
Christmas Ecard with text: everything in the world is fantastic. i love the government. merry Christmas
view send

about this card:
everything is fantastic | Let's all imagine, for the sake of the argument, that it's Christmas eve. What's a good Christmas movie? I mean, apart from Diehard? (This description has nothing to do with the card. Rules are for squares, baby).

terror suspect

July 11, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Topical Ecard with text: The world's most powerful government has has designated you as both a terror target and a terror suspect. This means you do not have the right to utter the phrase 'i am bored' ever again.
view send

about this card:
terror suspect | When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.

redacted

March 21, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
CheerUp Ecard with text: Cheer up. God might not be listening to you but the CIA always is.
view send

about this card:
redacted | I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.

elf

December 15, 2011 · Kris St.Gabriel
Christmas Ecard with text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.
view send

about this card:
elf | I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.