Tagged as #relationships.


rocky phase

Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
Ecard text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.

recursive rhinoceros

"Love is like a rhinoceros wearing a saddle..." Sometimes I'm on fire, and I don't mean when I'm playing with kerosene and a lighter. My doctor says it's because I have a better grasp of reality than most. He stops by occasionally and counsels me and I'm helping him work through some issues with being dead and invisible to his loved ones. Share this card, it has good advice.
Ecard text: Love is like a rhinoceros with a saddle in the sense that if a pithy ecard with an obscure simile is somehow applicable to your relationship then you should both sit down and, over a nice cup of tea, work out what it is you are both doing wrong.

inconvenient

I'm a thoughtful person and also very fair and I'm always thinking about people and I'm especially focused on 'how people think'. There is no way to get other people to buy you socks for instance if you don't think about how they think. It's like fixing clocks really. Uh. The burring in my head is making it hard to explain anything today. Also the new medication makes everything yellow.
Ecard text: I promise to do the right thing by you, except when it becomes inconvenient. Look, every relationship has its little quirks.

valentines day with you

Greetings from London! On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the day working as a cryptozoologist. I spent the day lurking in the shadows of Paddington Station, hoping to spot an upright walking bear believed to be from Darkest Peru. I'm not very good at cryptozoology.
Ecard text: I want to spend every moment of Valentines Day alone with you, showing you just how truly amazing and awesome I am at video games.

this won't pan out well

Whenever the television tells me that a zombie attack is in progress, I stay calm. I lock up the house and fill the bath tub with water, but I stay calm. You ever notice how everyone has a lot of relationship stuff to talk through when they're fighting zombies? This is why zombies are so unnerving.
Ecard text: A zombie apocalypse is not the best time to stop by your ex's place. Trust me, things just aren't going to pan out between you two.

codependency

I've given it a lot of thought and decided that today's wrongcard is an awesome card to send to a stranger. Pick someone random, someone you barely know, and ask yourself: why SHOULDN'T that person have a really weird Friday? No need to thank me - this is what I do for a living.
Ecard text: Don't worry about my co-dependency issues. They will only bring us closer together.

making tea

Ecard text: If you actually cared about me you would be here making me a cup of tea but you are not and this is why I think you suck at relationships.

delicious mistakes

Ecard text: i am willing to help you make some delicious mistakes.

healthy relationship

Ecard text: Nothing quite brings out the pathological liar in me like your compulsive need to be complimented. That is what makes this a healthy relationship.

for our relationship

Ecard text: Killing zombies is good for our relationship.

commitment

Ecard text: what is this commitment thing, anyway?

delightfully impure

Ecard text: you make me feel delightfully impure

i love you strangely

Ecard text: i love you strangely

emotionally vulnerable

Ecard text: 'im in this emotionally vulnerable state right now and somebody could totally take advantage of me'