Tagged as #religion.


Jesus birthday

I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
Ecard text: One thing that really sucked about Jesus life was having to get his birthday presents AND Christmas presents on the same day each year.

paternity

Oh my god, the department stores have put up Christmas decorations already. Every year it's earlier and earlier. Civilized people like you and me understand that Christmas shopping starts on Christmas Eve, and in a heightened state of panic mingled with resentment and lots of mental swearing. You know what's ironic? I bet Jesus' parents didn't even celebrate Christmas.
Ecard text: The best way to have a Merry Christmas is to not focus on the fact that paternity tests didn't exist 2000 years ago. (Picture of Joseph with a cloud over his head next to Mary holding a baby.)

irish brawl

I'm not saying that St. Patricks Day is a conspiracy perpetrated by Irish brewing countries in league with a cartel of manufacturers of green food coloring. No wait a minute, that IS what I'm trying to say. Sorry, there's something about this holiday that gets me all muddled. It might possibly be the alcohol speaking. Look, I'm very good at research.
Ecard text: Let's celebrate St Patricks Day by dividing into two teams along arbitrary religious lines and then beating each other senseless.

jackal head

Consider that on Wednesdays I like to post older cards for the sake of nostalgia. In the rich tapestry that we call the human experience, the muddled moments of madness, forgetfulness and shoplifted puddings that sustain each of us, does it truly matter if today is Thursday? Thank you, your forgiveness is very dear to me.
Ecard text: I am treating you with caution until I am certain that you are not going to turn into one of that Jackal-Headed gods of Ancient Egypt, because I'm sick of investing myself in people and winding up feeling foolish.

sky wizard

I like Easter. It's a time in which I feel a great kinship with everyone because now, more than any other time of year, people are glancing at each other, thinking, 'wait a minute, does this make any sense to you?' In other news I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and, if you're there, you are welcome to buy me tea. Kidnappers need not apply.
Ecard text: The wizard in the sky wants you to buy chocolate wrapped in aluminium in remembrance of a politically-motivated execution of a guy who just wanted everybody to get nice.

dead fanatic

Like everyone else here, I like to live according to the whims and moral sensibilities of the dead. Countless times I've paused before eating a bun and wondered what St. Gabriel would have to say about its scarcity of raisins. St. Gabriel is the patron saint of communicators (but still the Vatican communicates via smoke signals?!). St. Patrick? I think he hated snakes or something
Ecard text: I am only going to put on green socks and drink alcoholic beverages because it would make a dead religious fanatic from the 5th Century very happy.

catholic vegetarian

My Grandmother taught me everything there is to know about world religions, ie. lizards from space have infiltrated all world governments, we're part of the resistance, and all other religious beliefs are crazy. She taught me to be tolerant, and believe in all religions, except when they contradict the stuff about lizards because that's just CIA disinformation to test our faith. Hi Nanna!
Ecard text: Maybe Jesus wouldn't have avoided us so much in the last 2000 years if we hadn't kept ritualistically eating his corpse.

a christmas exegesis

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
Ecard text: So some Italians nailed a pacifist, anti-materialist Jewish guy to a few planks and now we celebrate his birthday with a shopping spree. And while this is not considered tactless, it is considered tactless to mention it.

jesus forgives

We've been talking a lot about Christmas here lately but let's not forget that Jews also have a Christmas celebration (called Kawanza) that happens sometime between November and February I think. I read that jewish priests ordained it as a sin for Jews to exchange presents, but I'm sure no one will get in trouble if they just send Jewish wrongcards instead.
Ecard text: I think Jesus will forgive you for being Jewish. Some of his best friends were Jewish.

bad little children

I've seen the piles of prose penned by prominent pundits in the remainders sections of book stores; there's a Culture War raging on the streets and even Our Christmas Traditions are under attack. Well we're not here to simply offer tasteful ecards - we're here to enlighten civilization. When your Grandchildren ask: where were you during the Culture Wars? you can reply: at Wrongcards...
Ecard text: St Nicholas was accompanied by a demon who kidnapped and ate bad little children. Look, did you want an authentic Christmas or not?

co-branding

Today is Good Friday. That's a public holiday in a lot of the world but not in the U.S., because the earliest colonists here were protestants and they got to set all the rules. When we're kicking off space exploration don't let protestants onto the space ships or there'll be no weekends on Mars. Today's card makes commercial use of religious imagery. In other words: Happy Easter!
Ecard text: ‘Eastre’ is the Old English spelling of the name of a Germanic pagan goddess. The Christians named their most important anniversary after her.In today’s marketing language this is called co-branding.

hanukkah presents

When I was growing up the most I knew about Jewish people was that they didnt believe in Christmas and liked to wear very small hats. Still, every year I give at least one Jewish friend a Christmas present. Its not required, of course, but cultural sensitivity is all about making others speechless with gratitude.
Ecard text: You would probably receive Christmas presents as well if you did what most of us do and pretend to be Christian.

evidence

I never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
Ecard text: We can argue all day whether or not God gets high, but I think the evidence is clear.

hunting

For those among us who are religiously tolerant enough to get away with laughing at the religiously intolerant, here is today's wrongcard. For everyone else, well, I look forward to your letters.
Ecard text: Nothing brings forth the thrill of the hunt quite like opening the door to Jehovah's Witnesses.

childless queen

I'm not allowed to celebrate Mother's Day with Mother, so each year I make a life-sized doll, you see, and I sit with her at the table and we make tea and I bring her favorite cigarettes and liquorice. When it is over I take her outside and set her on fire. Without traditions we would all be lost.
Ecard text: Thank you for not sending me down a river in a basket made from reeds so that I might be found by a Childless Queen and raised in that strange, distant realm to be a great and terrible leader of men.

frocked up

I hope it's not too soon to post this. I like Easter because it is all a relatively safe topic and I generally run much less risk of accidentally saying something controversial. Happy Thursday everyone!
Ecard text: At Easter it is considered traditional to receive spiritual guidance from celibate men in frocks who like to be lenient about men who sleep with children.

calm rational people

I'm not American but I live in Boston. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday that celebrates family life with good food and confusing games of football. I don't like the tradition of forcing foreign male guests to sleep with all the old ladies present but it's your holiday and I respect local customs even when I don't understand them.
Ecard text: This Thanksgiving, let's be thankful to the US government for only supplying guns to calm, rational people with moderate religious views and opinions.

being evil

Do you ever find yourself blacking out and waking up hours later in a field several miles from your home holding a dead squirrel and having no memory of how you got there? Yeah, I don't either and I blame the people around me for expecting more of me than that. I did a card about Being Evil. I don't advise sending it to anyone.
Ecard text: I have been looking into it and apparently being evil pays pretty well and is probably more rewarding than what I'm doing now.

easter guilt trip

Ecard text: Some Romans killed a nice man and then people began to worship him as a God. Then people said 'He DIED for you!? except it turns out you can't kill a God that easily and three days later he was back on his feet anyway.

all pandas

On Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of my day campaigning for religious tolerance, particularly for all religions that correctly agree with my own views, unlike those other heretic religions that I hate and would burn to the ground if the law wasn't so restrictive.
Ecard text: I have my own religion and in that religion all pandas secretly hate you.

god and dr phil

Ecard text: Without faith God is nothing. Though this signifies an unwholesome dependence on 'external validation 'to fortify his own self-worth and in my opinion he really should have appeared on Dr Phil before now.

happy yom kipper

I'm a religiously tolerant person, except when people seem to disagree with me. But I do believe people should feel safe to worship Bronze Age gods, or, rather, the SAME Bronze Age god, even if he happens to go by three different names. Think about how many lives could have been saved if the sky wizard had limited himself to only two names! But I never say this out loud. It's called tact, people.
Ecard text: happy yom kipper, jewish person. sorry if this is late. or early.

dude

Ecard text: Dude we really should have read the descriptions when choosing our deity.

jesus doesn't like you

Ecard text: jesus doesn't like you. Guess who is going to hell? here is a hint - it's not me.