Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.
People. I'm back. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated - by others, and also by me - for tax purposes, but let's not get into that now. The important thing is that I'm back, which means it's time we kicked off this holiday season properly. I'd like to start off Christmas with a Hanukkah card. I know, right?! Look at us all - knowing what Hanukkah is and being all cosmopolitan...
Just because you don't understand what's going on doesn't mean you're confused. Look at me - I own a greeting card company (for admittedly 'troubled people') and I've never purchased or sent a greeting card in my life. Look at Christmas. Makes no sense to me but people invite me to their houses to give me pudding. I don't say anything about Christmas, of course. I just focus on the pudding.
Long-standing argument with my 6-year-old; she thinks Santa is real and I disagree. She thinks I'm needlessly skeptical. Interestingly, at this point I haven't bought a single Christmas present this year. I mean, there's still time for me to win this argument.