free ecards that are
wrong for every occasion

alone with you

February 12, 2018 · Kris St.Gabriel
Valentines Ecard with text: I want to spend Valentines Day alone with you. And one of your more attractive friends.
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about this card:
alone with you | Here we are in the second month of our voyage aboard the good ship '2018'. Your Captain is here at the prow, crossbow in hand, on the look-out for albatrosses, and thinking about Valentines Day. Did you know people first celebrated Valentines Day in Roman times? They used to pair off women with men by a lottery. I know! And I'm a bad person for not celebrating it. Sigh. I'm just enabling you all.

rocky phase

October 12, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
WTF Ecard with text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.
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about this card:
rocky phase | Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.

cardioid

June 20, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
Romance Ecard with text: It has not escaped my notice that I am expected to reveal an occasional awareness of our relationship by routinely presenting you with some sort of sentiment adorned with romantic symbology. Please enjoy this 'geometric cardioid' that was recognized for many centuries as an icon of genitalia. I thus expect that one or more sexual encounters will ensure.
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about this card:
cardioid | I'm an acknowledged expert in a couple of fields - it's only modesty preventing me from telling you which. But I will say that my as yet unpublished tome 'The Psychology of Wasps and Wasp-like Invertebrates' puts me among the greatest scientific minds of our age. I just need to secure a publisher (the hardware store won't sell me any zip-ties). Oh, I'm also an expert on romance. I'm such a renaissance man.

inflatable sheep

June 5, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
Thinking of You Ecard with text: i can't find anything in the bible prohibiting inflatable sheep - so i think you're in the clear with jesus.
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about this card:
inflatable sheep | So I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.

breast defense

February 14, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
Apology Ecard with text: I am sorry for what I did or did not do. Though in my defence this entire relationship was caused by your breasts. (Illustration of badger with the caption - A BADGER. Why does everything have to be relevent?)
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about this card:
breast defense | ... and then it occurred to me that many men will be forgetting Valentines Day, and thus might be in dire need of an apology card tomorrow. Think about it. Think of the countless men who will awaken tomorrow to a frosty silence and spend the first half of the day in frozen bewilderment as to what the hell they forgot to do. And you thought YOU had problems.

insufficient

January 24, 2014 · Kris St.Gabriel
Birthday Ecard with text: I am giving you this Birthday Card even though you haven't done anything sufficiently sexual in nature to deserve it. Oh look, this bed is empty. (A picture of a bed)
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about this card:
insufficient | Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.

new level

October 6, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Romance Ecard with text: I would like to move our relationship to a new level, in which I get to have orgasms.
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about this card:
new level | As you know I'm determined to rescue romance from a culture saturated in half-measures and moderation. Everyone needs a mission I suppose. And maybe it's because I'm from privilege, having been raised on up-market cat food by Nanna in a caravan in South-East Queensland, but I find myself wanting to give back to society. So - if this card doesn't help you, you must be very lost.

upside of missing you

September 4, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Missing You Ecard with text: I miss you but on the upside I at least have a lot more time to get in touch with my OWN body.
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about this card:
upside of missing you | I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a man and sometimes I have emotions. When Bunheads got canceled I went into a bit of a dark place. I dragged most of my furniture into the backyard and burned it all in a cold rage, and grew a beard for a while. Downton Abbey reruns made me feel whole again. You know what? I'm dedicating today's card to you. And to Bunheads.

sheep

July 30, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Flirting Ecard with text: If God didnt want me to practice on you he would have given me a sheep farm.
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about this card:
sheep | I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.

next thing to try

July 18, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Flirting Ecard with text: Now that we have done everything else, the next thing I would like for us to try is foreplay.
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about this card:
next thing to try | Let's say you're romantically involved with a balloon animal. Society doesn't understand - it never does - and you have to sneak out to this one Italian restaurant where the staff aren't all that judgmental. Now one night, over a candlelit dinner, she wafts across the table and touches the candle flame. Pop! She's dead! Do you tip the waiter for one meal or two?

special occasions

May 31, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Romance Ecard with text: If we start dating then I would no longer need to pay for sex except on special occasions. So it would be win-win for both of us.
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about this card:
special occasions | Alright blokes, you're fond of a lady but you can't very well show up in her kitchen at 3am, naked and covered in mud and broken glass, claiming to be a time-traveler. Trust me, I speak from experience when I say that women are far too jaded and cynical nowadays for that to work. My best advice? Send this card. My next best advice requires a gorilla suit but I don't give away ALL my trade secrets.

secret-life

May 28, 2013 · Kris St.Gabriel
Concern Ecard with text: I am sorry, disappointed and perplexed that you did not find The Secret Life of Snails to be intensely erotic.
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about this card:
secret-life | This one time someone told me I was a bit weird and I told them they were a bit normal and then they looked at me as if I'd behaved like a dog on a croquet lawn. What's a man to do when nobody wants to be weird and nobody wants to be normal? My guess is that there's a fine line in there between and this card rests right there...