Tagged as #sex.


alone with you

Here we are in the second month of our voyage aboard the good ship '2018'. Your Captain is here at the prow, crossbow in hand, on the look-out for albatrosses, and thinking about Valentines Day. Did you know people first celebrated Valentines Day in Roman times? They used to pair off women with men by a lottery. I know! And I'm a bad person for not celebrating it. Sigh. I'm just enabling you all.
Ecard text: I want to spend Valentines Day alone with you. And one of your more attractive friends.

rocky phase

Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
Ecard text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.

cardioid

I'm an acknowledged expert in a couple of fields - it's only modesty preventing me from telling you which. But I will say that my as yet unpublished tome 'The Psychology of Wasps and Wasp-like Invertebrates' puts me among the greatest scientific minds of our age. I just need to secure a publisher (the hardware store won't sell me any zip-ties). Oh, I'm also an expert on romance. I'm such a renaissance man.
Ecard text: It has not escaped my notice that I am expected to reveal an occasional awareness of our relationship by routinely presenting you with some sort of sentiment adorned with romantic symbology. Please enjoy this 'geometric cardioid' that was recognized for many centuries as an icon of genitalia. I thus expect that one or more sexual encounters will ensure.

inflatable sheep

So I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.
Ecard text: i can't find anything in the bible prohibiting inflatable sheep - so i think you're in the clear with jesus.

breast defense

... and then it occurred to me that many men will be forgetting Valentines Day, and thus might be in dire need of an apology card tomorrow. Think about it. Think of the countless men who will awaken tomorrow to a frosty silence and spend the first half of the day in frozen bewilderment as to what the hell they forgot to do. And you thought YOU had problems.
Ecard text: I am sorry for what I did or did not do. Though in my defence this entire relationship was caused by your breasts. (Illustration of badger with the caption - A BADGER. Why does everything have to be relevent?)

insufficient

Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.
Ecard text: I am giving you this Birthday Card even though you haven't done anything sufficiently sexual in nature to deserve it. Oh look, this bed is empty. (A picture of a bed)

new level

As you know I'm determined to rescue romance from a culture saturated in half-measures and moderation. Everyone needs a mission I suppose. And maybe it's because I'm from privilege, having been raised on up-market cat food by Nanna in a caravan in South-East Queensland, but I find myself wanting to give back to society. So - if this card doesn't help you, you must be very lost.
Ecard text: I would like to move our relationship to a new level, in which I get to have orgasms.

upside of missing you

I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a man and sometimes I have emotions. When Bunheads got canceled I went into a bit of a dark place. I dragged most of my furniture into the backyard and burned it all in a cold rage, and grew a beard for a while. Downton Abbey reruns made me feel whole again. You know what? I'm dedicating today's card to you. And to Bunheads.
Ecard text: I miss you but on the upside I at least have a lot more time to get in touch with my OWN body.

sheep

I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
Ecard text: If God didnt want me to practice on you he would have given me a sheep farm.

next thing to try

Let's say you're romantically involved with a balloon animal. Society doesn't understand - it never does - and you have to sneak out to this one Italian restaurant where the staff aren't all that judgmental. Now one night, over a candlelit dinner, she wafts across the table and touches the candle flame. Pop! She's dead! Do you tip the waiter for one meal or two?
Ecard text: Now that we have done everything else, the next thing I would like for us to try is foreplay.

special occasions

Alright blokes, you're fond of a lady but you can't very well show up in her kitchen at 3am, naked and covered in mud and broken glass, claiming to be a time-traveler. Trust me, I speak from experience when I say that women are far too jaded and cynical nowadays for that to work. My best advice? Send this card. My next best advice requires a gorilla suit but I don't give away ALL my trade secrets.
Ecard text: If we start dating then I would no longer need to pay for sex except on special occasions. So it would be win-win for both of us.

secret-life

This one time someone told me I was a bit weird and I told them they were a bit normal and then they looked at me as if I'd behaved like a dog on a croquet lawn. What's a man to do when nobody wants to be weird and nobody wants to be normal? My guess is that there's a fine line in there between and this card rests right there...
Ecard text: I am sorry, disappointed and perplexed that you did not find The Secret Life of Snails to be intensely erotic.

not half so adventurous

May 9th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. I believe that every washing machine manufactured after 1963 was designed to eat precisely one sock per month, just to keep everybody in the consumer world a little off-balance. So where do all the socks go? They're sacrificed, with noble intent, for our collective unease. It's a religion I'm starting. And, of course, I'll be taking donations...
Ecard text: I'm not half as sexually adventurous as Mr Sock.

practically

Today's card is a rehash Wednesday flirting card which means it's probably Not Safe For Work (whatever that means) though it CAN be useful if you'd like to flirt with someone today. It will also make you more popular - every time I send it to a woman she writes back and tells me how much she just wants to be my friend, which obviously is very sweet and quite complimentary.
Ecard text: We should get together and have sex sometime. Im getting to be quite good at it, by practicing on things etc.

sweet anteater lover

Anteaters were once thought to be related to aardvarks but they turned out to be related to sloths and armadillos. I have never seem an anteater but I've seen several wombats. Anteaters aren't related to wombats but I don't see any reason why they wouldn't get along. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to any anteater reading this.
Ecard text: I want to make sweet love to you like an anteater.

dudes

As you know the jury is still out on science. That’s why I mistrust statistics, unless they’re my own, of course, 'cause I always check my statistics in my head, just to see if they feel plausible. Anyway today I wanted to do something for a Men’s Advocacy Group. I like to do things for men. Raise awareness of how we think. And I can already tell that 113.4% percent of you think I nailed it.
Ecard text: Ladies,  if you're going to sleep with anybody today, sleep with a dude.

loneliness

Zombies - a fad that just won't die (bada-ba-ching!). Are zombies just a metaphor for consumer culture? Or do they symbolize the unshakable unease of post-modernity? Are we simply fated to wake up one day and find ourselves fighting for our lives? Or will it only 'seem' that way to the infected? Hell, don't ask me, I've got my own demons and today's card is a reminder of the fact...
Ecard text: A zombie apocalypse can get pretty lonely. But no matter how alone, how bored, how curious, don't even think about it.

very giving

The thing about sick people is they give off fumes which are made up of tiny animals. You can't see them with the naked eye but, if inhaled, they get inside your blood and try to kill you. Also - people with optimistic attitudes have better defenses. That's why you have to cheer up sick people - it makes them less toxic. I've always been good at science.
Ecard text: I am sorry to hear you are feeling unwell. Maybe you would feel better if you provided me with an orgasm.

cypridophobia

As an enlightened sort of bloke I often feel a heavy weight of responsibility to help my fellow man understand that Romance topic that women like to yap about. Fellas, try to share half the pizza with her, alright? And remember, romance doesn't cost much when there are free wrongcards to send, or even just fresh flower bouquets laying about unattended near new graves. Here to help.
Ecard text: Good news. My desire for you now eclipses my general fear of contracting a venereal disease from you.

school girl

Look - I'm not saying I don't have issues but when I showed today's card to the guy who delivers my mail he embraced me, burst into tears and declared himself 'expressed'. I showed it to the guy in Starbucks and he grasped my hand firmly, called me brother and announced my lattes would be free forever or his life would be forfeit. It's not all that bad being a spiritual leader some days.
Ecard text: I think that if you really cared about me I would have come home to find you dressed as a Japanese school girl at least half a dozen times by now.

moderate quality

A lot of men find it difficult to express themselves emotionally, but that's only because a lot of men these days don't drink a lot of whiskey. Men, it's easy to speak your mind; all you have to do is make sure nobody is home, lock the doors and whisper. I can't believe we have a reputation for being unable to communicate.
Ecard text: I like you more than I'd like two prostitutes of moderate quality.

mayonnaise

Today is re-hash Wednesday; I post an older card and then ever so slightly exaggerate my plans for the rest of the afternoon. By the way, I hope today's card doesn't discourage anyone. Frankly, I hope it inspires a certain spirit of scientific inquiry.
Ecard text: mayonnaise makes the night more memorable

society was not ready

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card for the sake of nostalgia and spend the rest of the day warning people about minotaurs stealing our jobs. I'll keep doing that until Fox News finally runs a panel discussion on the subject. Then I'll just retire in sick horror.
Ecard text: 'Society was not yet ready for what Mister Bunny and I shared together that hot complicated summer in the long grass behind my Aunt's old farm house. But looking back through the window of memory I simply recall him as he no doubt was: a sensitive yet utterly spoiled stuffed toy with an irrepressible curiosity about his body and, to my delight, my own.'

progress report

So, what did you do today? I drew a smurf. What?! Yeah - a smurf. Damn, man. Yeah I know - keep me in your prayers.
Ecard text: Progress report: I now have THREE sexual fantasies of you that don't involve smurfs.

sincerest trust

Today's card is a sympathy card which means you can send it to people who say they know someone who has recently died. Sometimes I suspect people make up stories like that for attention or to evade responsibilities. If you harbor doubts about someone, send along today's card and study them carefully to see if they look guilty.
Ecard text: I am sorry for your tragic loss and doubt you would contrive this just to avoid having sex with me.

norwegian model excuse

So someone has invited you to a party: the hooks are in, the obligation to attend is fierce, but the thought of it all fills you with a nameless dread. Maybe it's because your friend's friends are lunatics. Or maybe it's because YOU are a lunatic. Doesn't matter. You can stop fretting and just send along this card. Life was meant to be this easy.
Ecard text: Word has reached me that your party will not feature an orgy of generously-spirited Norwegian models. And due to this oversight and lack of good planning on your party, I will be unable to attend.

gregarious llama

Ecard text: May your birthday be peaceful and uninterrupted by a sexually gregarious llama who won't take no for an answer.

experimentation purposes

Sometimes people worry about death. But more often people worry about their earthly remains and whether a close personal friend might be planning to disinter their bodies for one reason or another. So I made a card that you can send along as a reassurance.
Ecard text: I want to assure you that, in the event of your untimely death, I would disturb your earthly remains for experimentation purposes only.

amorous puffin

Ecard text: I don't know if I could make you squeal like a pig but I could definitely manage 'squawk like an amorous puffin that has just had a near-death experience and needs to be held. And you can count on it, baby.

no one can make you

Ecard text: Remember, no one can make you fake an orgasm quite like I can.

whatever works

Ecard text: I would like to try some weird stuff but I dont want you to worry. Or even feel obliged to be conscious. Whatever works for you is fine.

duck drawing seduction

Ecard text: If I wasnt interested in sleeping with you sometime, why would I send you a cool drawing of a duck? Aforementioned picture of duck.

miscommunication

Ecard text: When I said 'it is a low-brow superficial holiday' what I really meant to say was 'Happy Valentines Day.' I hope we are still on for sex.

sheep are disappointing

Ecard text: No matter how lonely you get never turn to sheep. They are very disappointing, emotionally, even though they squirm nicely.

excuses for argument

Ecard text: 'Very soon I will think of something offensive to say that will cause three hours of bitter argument, followed by a solid half hour of make-up sex. (Note: I dont have anything yet, other than some fairly controversial views about geese).'

suspecting swine flu

"Oh I heard you have swine flu." "No, I did have a headache but -" "Yeah, sounds like Swine Flu. Stay away from me, man." "It's not --" "Hey back off! I don't need to die right now."
Ecard text: I suspect you have caught the Swine Flu and it's your fault because I warned you to wear a condom and you didn't listen.

close and impersonal

Ecard text: I would like to get up close and impersonal with you because people say you like it that way and I just want to make you happy.

ridiculous lies

Ecard text: I am sorry for the ridiculous lies I have to make up to get you to put out.

fraught with peril

Ecard text: then you advance on me through a blood red mist wielding a spear. I know  this fantasy is fraught with peril but I figure  that at this point in our relationship you owe me some stuff like this.

sexually generous

Ecard text: congratulations.  i'm really happy for you and also curious to know how sexually generous this all makes you feel.

how much alcohol

Ecard text: how much alcohol would I be required to buy you so I might clumsily paw at your body without you objecting much?

immersion therapy

Ecard text: So the plan is we become sex addicts, then attempt to cure ourselves via immersion therapy. Unless you have a better plan for the weekend (not scientifically possible).

how amenable are you

Ecard text: How amenable would you be to the idea that we rub our moistened genitals together in a thoroughly recreational/ non-procreative manner?

it likes to watch

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card that people may not have seen yet. The thing I like about this particular card is that, if you sent it to someone, all their doubts about you would be laid to rest. That may or may not be a good thing but that's a separate issue, right? Happy Wednesday!
Ecard text: dont worry about my imaginary friend. it likes to watch

i am only trying to help

Ecard text: im just saying that sexual intercourse would probably fix whatever it is that is wrong with you.

consumer goods

Ecard text: And personally I have no problem with it being an 'exchanging consumer goods for sex kind of holiday.

good touch bad touch

Ecard text: good touch bad touch. wait - show me bad touch again?

custard is a lubricant

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of my day abusing substances. So far I think the best substance to abuse has been chocolate pudding. But your mileage may vary.
Ecard text: custard is also a lubricant

still not happening

Ecard text: Thanks - but i'm still not sleeping with you.

sure no webcam

Ecard text: let's act like the webcam isn't switched on.

only thirty seconds

Ecard text: darling, it'll only take thirty seconds, but at least one of us will be feeling much better.

dont beat me

Ecard text: i love you please dont beat me with a stick

yeah yeah yeah

Ecard text: yeah yeah yeah emotions and feelings and whatever blah blah blah but when do we get to the shagging?

about you and me

This is one of the very first flirting cards we published. I feel that it is emotionally honest to let a person know just how awesome the night is going to be well in advance. It also gives them the chance to opt out in case they cannot handle high levels of pleasure.
Ecard text: tonight, it's just about you and me, and morris, my mildly bi-curious teddybear.

this is a triumph

Ecard text: our anniversary is a triumph of my good fortune over your poor judgment. so really it's more about 'me' than 'us'. please remember that tonight

tourettes

Ecard text: let's increase our mental health awareness by pretending we have Tourette's Syndrome. Whenever, say, we find ourselves having sex. together we can make this world a better place!

spontaneous in bed

Ecard text: i have found that people with parkinson's disease can be fantastically spontaneous in bed.

tonight's safe word

Ecard text: just remember, tonight's safe word is 'hmmffmmmff'

things are gonna crazy

Ecard text: 'Honey, I wanna get crazy tonight and Im not going to lie: things are gonna get weird.'

still waiting

Ecard text: im still waiting to be sexually harrassed

totally drew this

Ecard text: i totally drew this for you. its a man on a horse and stuff. im all artistic and sensitive and mysterious. so uh would you sleep with me?