Tagged as #spiders.


christmas spider

People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
Ecard text: I may or may not have gotten you a Christmas spider. The joy lies in the discovery.

fewer spiders

I take New Year's Resolutions seriously; after all, how else am I supposed to improve myself? I know you probably think I don't need improvement, but I suffer from a mild sort of social anxiety. It only happens when I stand around naked in train stations, but which among us is perfect? So my New Years Resolution is about becoming more awesome. And this is how I do it. #newyear
Ecard text: My New Years Resolution is to put fewer spiders in your breakfast cereal when you're not looking.

spiders are sensitive

It's someone's birthday today, maybe not yours or mine but it's someone's; it's commonsense. I know lots about people and most of what I know about people I learned from spiders. Though wasps, when you think about it, are a kind of winged spider. Spiders don't hum like wasps, they just whistle. Nobody really knows why.
Ecard text: Be careful when you are cutting your birthday cake in case in contains a nest of spiders. Lunging at spiders with a knife might make them misinterpret the situation.

extrapolation

You all know that I hate to boast but the fact is that I'm really good at logic. The only thing that stops me from writing a book called 'How To Defeat Everybody With Logic' is the worrying fact that I still occasionally see zebras following me around that nobody else can see. And Katie Couric would ask me about it during the interview and I'd have no response. Plus I'm also in love with Katie Couric.
Ecard text: I'm not saying that you eat spiders. I'm saying that we don't see spiders when you're around and that you rarely seem to be hungry, and it that it might be possible to exrapolate from this.

my premonition

Ecard text: happy birthday and may my premonition that you will be devoured by a giant flesh eating spider not come true this year

the reminder

Ecard text: Our anniversary always reminds me just how lucky you are.  ...Woah! It's a spider! Kill it! Kill it!