I've always had a very firm grasp on reality. The reason is that when I was twelve I witnessed my sister's abduction by extraterrestrials from our family home on Martha's Vineyard, which drove me to join the FBI where I investigated unsolved cases alongside a pretty, red-haired forensic pathologist. You don't have to believe me: the truth is out there.
Zombies - a fad that just won't die (bada-ba-ching!). Are zombies just a metaphor for consumer culture? Or do they symbolize the unshakable unease of post-modernity? Are we simply fated to wake up one day and find ourselves fighting for our lives? Or will it only 'seem' that way to the infected? Hell, don't ask me, I've got my own demons and today's card is a reminder of the fact...
I worry about some things. I worry that there's going to be a zombie outbreak and that most of you aren't going to approach it with the spirit of joie de vivre. 'Cause I've seen the movies and everyone runs around screaming and dying while talking earnestly about their relationships. I want you to all know that I'll do my best to help you survive but no-one is allowed to be a buzz-kill, okay?
On Wednesdays I typically post an older card, and then get to work setting up Zombie Preparedness Drills. Drive over to the cemetery at 4am with a shovel and now you've got the day's props. Next it's a matter of arranging bodies where people don't expect to see them. Like kindergartens. Sure the parents throw fits but for me civic duty comes first.
I was standing in the library taking photos when this librarian came up and told me to stop. "You can't take photos in the library," he said. Later, when I was looking at the photo I took of him, I decided to draw him as a zombie. It's a sad future when even librarians might be one day be zombies.
Whenever the television tells me that a zombie attack is in progress, I stay calm. I lock up the house and fill the bath tub with water, but I stay calm. You ever notice how everyone has a lot of relationship stuff to talk through when they're fighting zombies? This is why zombies are so unnerving.
Are you worried about zombie attacks? I'm not, I'm worried about other things. I picked up a TV guide recently, just to see what reality shows were popular. But don't worry, I was feeling much better after a few days and I can even go outside again.
There isn't a man alive who hasn't given serious thought to how he'd secure himself and his family In The Event of Zombies. We already know the best escape-routes, choke-points and where to build the barricades. Hunter-gatherer milieu? Yes please - then we can be awesome again! Well anyway, I never said we were sane.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day writing strongly worded letters to the editors of major newspapers defending common sense and family values. If the government is keeping files on us all, then I'd prefer that they think that I am a complete lunatic.