Tagged as #zombies.


zombie realism

I've always had a very firm grasp on reality. The reason is that when I was twelve I witnessed my sister's abduction by extraterrestrials from our family home on Martha's Vineyard, which drove me to join the FBI where I investigated unsolved cases alongside a pretty, red-haired forensic pathologist. You don't have to believe me: the truth is out there.
Ecard text: A realist's plan for dealing with a zombie outbreak. step 1) run away screaming with hands over head in sheer panic and terror.

loneliness

Zombies - a fad that just won't die (bada-ba-ching!). Are zombies just a metaphor for consumer culture? Or do they symbolize the unshakable unease of post-modernity? Are we simply fated to wake up one day and find ourselves fighting for our lives? Or will it only 'seem' that way to the infected? Hell, don't ask me, I've got my own demons and today's card is a reminder of the fact...
Ecard text: A zombie apocalypse can get pretty lonely. But no matter how alone, how bored, how curious, don't even think about it.

sanity first

I worry about some things. I worry that there's going to be a zombie outbreak and that most of you aren't going to approach it with the spirit of joie de vivre. 'Cause I've seen the movies and everyone runs around screaming and dying while talking earnestly about their relationships. I want you to all know that I'll do my best to help you survive but no-one is allowed to be a buzz-kill, okay?
Ecard text: 'In the event of zombies, remember: sanity first. Try to take some time out of every day to enjoy yourself. (Picture of bloodstained bobcat forklift thing chasing zombie).'

make sure

On Wednesdays I typically post an older card, and then get to work setting up Zombie Preparedness Drills. Drive over to the cemetery at 4am with a shovel and now you've got the day's props. Next it's a matter of arranging bodies where people don't expect to see them. Like kindergartens. Sure the parents throw fits but for me civic duty comes first.
Ecard text: Remember, never mistake a horde or shoppers with a sudden outbreak of zombies. the authorities will not understand.

once bitten

I was standing in the library taking photos when this librarian came up and told me to stop. "You can't take photos in the library," he said. Later, when I was looking at the photo I took of him, I decided to draw him as a zombie. It's a sad future when even librarians might be one day be zombies.
Ecard text: If you should ever be bitten by a zombie ... look don't worry about it. I'll sort it out.

this won't pan out well

Whenever the television tells me that a zombie attack is in progress, I stay calm. I lock up the house and fill the bath tub with water, but I stay calm. You ever notice how everyone has a lot of relationship stuff to talk through when they're fighting zombies? This is why zombies are so unnerving.
Ecard text: A zombie apocalypse is not the best time to stop by your ex's place. Trust me, things just aren't going to pan out between you two.

implausibility

Are you worried about zombie attacks? I'm not, I'm worried about other things. I picked up a TV guide recently, just to see what reality shows were popular. But don't worry, I was feeling much better after a few days and I can even go outside again.
Ecard text: Fact: my conviction that the world will one day be overrun by mindless zombies is neither implausible nor absurd as the fact that Kim Kardashian has a television show.

zombies are bitey

There isn't a man alive who hasn't given serious thought to how he'd secure himself and his family In The Event of Zombies. We already know the best escape-routes, choke-points and where to build the barricades. Hunter-gatherer milieu? Yes please - then we can be awesome again! Well anyway, I never said we were sane.
Ecard text: This man didn't shoot the zombie until he saw the whites of it's eyes. Don't make this mistake! Remember: when they are up close, zombies are bitey.

real men hunt zombies

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day writing strongly worded letters to the editors of major newspapers defending common sense and family values. If the government is keeping files on us all, then I'd prefer that they think that I am a complete lunatic.
Ecard text: Real men will hunt down zombies while armed only with a falcon.

loot tobacconists first

Ecard text: When the zombies attack, many of your closest friends and relatives are going to die in a ferocious storm of mindless violence and blood.

for our relationship

Ecard text: Killing zombies is good for our relationship.

later they will say

Ecard text: later they will say nobody expected the rise of hoards of undead thanksgiving zombie turkeys, all hungry for bloody vengeance...

look over your shoulder

Ecard text: When you stop to look at a map, remember to look over your shoulder.

zombification vacation

Ecard text: zombification can ruin your entire vacation. remember - a zombie is no match against a well swung seven iron. let's all be prepared

zombies and axes

Ecard text: never kill zombies with an axe! zombie gore is slippery AND a health hazard. remember - if cornered without a firearm, use a blunt implement like this cricket bat. let's all be prepared.

zombies spotted

Ecard text: zombies have been spotted! this is a test of our zombie emergency messaging system. thank you for participating in this drill.

dont reason with zombies

Ecard text: this man attempted to reason with zombies. don't be like him. remember - handle all human-zombie dialog with a 12-gauge double-barreled remington. let's all be prepared!

lots of fun, but

Ecard text: it might be lots of fun, but all an uzi will do is piss the zombies off. remember, a chainsaw is your best friend

dogs outrun zombies

Ecard text: In the event of a sudden zombie attack secure all windows and doors before fetching beloved family pets from outside. spot can outrun them, and zombies have no taste for canine flesh.

zombies and malls

Ecard text: You may be tempted to fortify yourself in a shopping mall. zombies know this trick! remember, and plan your contingencies with creativity.

zombies will eat you

Ecard text: given half a chance, a zombie will eat you and anyone you care about.don't try and be a hero and you might live.

save one shell

Ecard text: when zombies attack, remember to save one shell for yourself. your friends and loved ones will thank you!

never forget

Ecard text: when the zombies attack i'll be right by your side