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Ecards that are Wrong for Every Occasion

This week's featured category is: Birthdays.

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THIS WEEK'S FEATURED CARD

terror suspect

When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.
Ecard text: The world's most powerful government has has designated you as both a terror target and a terror suspect. This means you do not have the right to utter the phrase 'i am bored' ever again.
Latest Blog Posts

The Sound of Christmas

In which I offer a loose analysis of The Sound of Music, and wish you all a very Happy Christmas

Faith, and Other Worrisome Ideas

In which I briefly discuss the recent election, Vegemite, issues of faith and modernity, and make numerous erudite observations about civilisation and her numerous enemies.

Me Versus Me

Lately, I feel like I am being specifically mocked by Nature.

misbehaving at parties

Ten years have passed since that horrible, awkward night and I'm still trying to process it.
More Featured

old peoples home

I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.
Ecard text: Dont worry. Whatever happens I'm never gonna put you in an old peoples home.

this never happened

Whenever a friend comes down with a sore throat or a cold I like to sit at their bedside and offer repeated assurances that it's WAY too early to suspect that this might be the illness that takes their life. And that it's completely absurd to start suspecting Foul Play, while I walk around tapping on the walls as if searching for a hollow sound. I guess I want everybody's life to be an adventure.
Ecard text: I've decided I like you again and you should be feeling better in a day or two.
Recent Cards

all birthdays

Life's been boring lately apart from a global pandemic, murder hornets, millions saying the virus is a hoax, plus riots, nitwits who think masks don't need to cover their noses, people posting on social media about Bill Gates using 5G for mind-control, and billionaires using social media for, um, actual mind-control, plus Nazis and possibly another plague but everything's fine I guess how are you.
Ecard text: I'm sorry I cannot celebrate your specific birthday this year because it turns out that All Birthdays Matter.

hearts interchangeable

People often say to me, 'Kris, you're too romantic'. Not in real life, of course, but inside my mind. I'm pleased to say that much of what is said inside my mind is complimentary. I do feel some antipathy towards geese, however, but otherwise I feel I am on good-terms with the world; I both like and understand the world. But I will never understand why you people keep celebrating Valentines Day.
Ecard text: I know you wanted me to give you my heart but can I give you someone elses instead? It's just that I'm using mine at the moment. Happy Valentines Day Either Way

penguin with ice cream

Ever since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
Ecard text: I don't understand the basic point of Valentines Day so let's instead admire this picture of a penguin holding an ice cream.

sexy octopus

Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
Ecard text: If you think about it, there's nothing sexier than an octopus.

christmas mantis

Have you talked to your children about the Christmas Mantis yet? I have. There's a note here from the school, they want me to come in and talk about it. What's so strange about an eight-foot-long Praying Mantis, climbing through windows, distributing consumer goods? Because an 'overweight Norwegian with a flying sled' is more logical? I don't know. It's better than my Christmas Leopard theory.
Ecard text: My theory of how the presents get under the Christmas tree

gifts for in-laws

I don't even know what this card means. I just like writing random words sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. I am figuratively seeing nothing here. Let's not ... no, don't make this about your parents. Nobody even mentioned your parents. Why do you have to bring them into this? I am just making an innocent wrongcard, and - what? Oh. My. God. You are being SO much like your mother right now!
Ecard text: One of the most offensive and morally objectionable things about Christmas is the obligation to buy gifts for your in-laws.

BOOKS BY ME

"The plan was simple — steal the world's most famous skull, and tell no more than 37 close personal friends and co-workers."

— The Harvard Skull Fiasco

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"One of the funniest books that I've read."
—Joe Z.

"A fun, zany book full of quirky characters, witty banter, and clever plot twists."
— E. C. Rider.

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"I enjoyed this the second entry in the "Blue Bandicoot" series even more than the first; in particular the second half here is fantastic."
—James M.

"Wickedly funny."
— R. Massey

Read for free on Kindle Unlimited

The omnibus edition contains The Harvard Skull Fiasco and Rise of the Blue Bandicoot. The third book will be added for free in late 2020.