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Regretably, none of our cards are appropriate to send to anyone.*

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* Well, at least they're free!

Flirting Ecard with text: mayonnaise makes the night more memorable

Halloween Ecard with text: Let's get dressed up as suburban parents, knock on doors and ask if the candy is gluten-free.

Wait, ecards that are wrong for every occasion?

I'm actually not good at business ideas.

Fortunately, my newsletter is a slice of fried gold.

I spent an upsetting amount of money buying a Happy Meal and it did not make me happy. It’s Germany though, so the meal came with a beer. I asked if I could have whiskey instead and they looked at me as if I was mad.

— Strange Passage, Part Two

I occasionally think about studying marine biology. I think I’d enjoy it on some level, though I doubt I'd ever be good at it. I’d probably achieve nothing as a marine biologist, other than thoroughly alienating a bunch of dolphins, I suppose.

— Misbehaving At Parties

There I was, desperately trying to defuse the situation, and using my meager high school German to assure everybody present that I do not actually wear women’s panties.

— Strange Passage, Part One

Henceforth zombie movies will have to change. No more scenes in which everybody runs away from the zombies. We now know that at least 30 percent of people are going to run straight at the zombies, laughing about how zombies are fake news.

— Oh For The Fear of a Bear!

What sort of nonsense is this?

Well, here's two random cards I made. Yes. I know.

hallucinated

Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.

Apology

Halloween Ecard with text: The best way to terrify children on Halloween is to take them along on your morning commute and explain to them that theis will be part of their daily routine for about forty years.

Terrifying Commute

Once there were people who knew all sorts of surprising facts. We respected them. Now, when people know surprising facts, we just figure they spent their lunch-hour at wikipedia. There's no thrill to being informed anymore. That's why I became a wikipedia editor. BTW if anyone tells you Halloween is about 'giant duck aliens', you're welcome.

Halloween

These great people bought me coffee

"You are a nut case, don’t ever change!"

Patricia L.

buymeacoffee.com/stgabriel

"Terrific selection. The perfect combination of drollness and irreverence."

Cookie K.

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"Unbelievably weird humor. Love it!"

Ruth A.

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"Wonderful, on the spot, sense of humor. Perfect for my dark humored family. Thank you for sharing!"

April D.

buymeacoffee.com/stgabriel

"Love the cards"

Chris

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"You're amazing! I love your writing -- it's funny, and cynical, in an amusing way. Just my cup of tea."

Slick

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