Categories
Reminders
You can use these cards to remind people of things. I guess.
You can remind people to remember important things with one of these reminder cards. It is generally considered to be a good thing to consider the needs of others, and this desire to send along some crucial advice urging them to bear certain things in mind is a clear sign that you are both thoughtful and caring. This observation is, however, completely undermined by the fact you’re about to send a card that is wrong for every occasion. You could use one of these cards as an alternative to our Thinking Of You Ecards. Just remember that some of them are very, very wise and pertain to highly specific instances you will never see anywhere else.
chicken problems
Often my American co-workers ask me: 'who stole my keyboard?' And I just say to them: 'Why are you asking me? Is it Pick On The Australian Day? Ever heard of Cultural Sensitivity? Just because I'm a minority, descended from convicts, that automatically makes me a keyboard thief right?' After that, they apologize. And I give them back their keyboard.
bees
Whenever a person tells me they are depressed I suggest they bake some muffins. I tell them research indicates that baking increases production of the monoamine neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine (serotonin). It's not true, I just like muffins. If bees were an ingredient in muffins then this post would be slightly less tangential.
clowns and logic
What is Christmas about, anyway? For me it's about inspiring others to be better. As an inspirational figure I want to remind you all that there are people in the world who, for reasons of ethnicity, don't celebrate Christmas. You should reach out to them and make them feel bad about that, so maybe next year they WILL celebrate Christmas, and maybe buy us both presents. Man that'd be cool.
revenge
I just spent 20 minutes looking for my keys - they get moved around by my enemies - and suddenly realized what an awful day Karl Rove must be having. He dropped millions trying to buy his friend a job but it didn't pan out due to an unanticipated technical error (they counted the votes). Then I found my keys. Woot! They were in a boot. I guess Obama and I are both having a good day.
dudes
As you know the jury is still out on science. That’s why I mistrust statistics, unless they’re my own, of course, 'cause I always check my statistics in my head, just to see if they feel plausible. Anyway today I wanted to do something for a Men’s Advocacy Group. I like to do things for men. Raise awareness of how we think. And I can already tell that 113.4% percent of you think I nailed it.
simulating
I had a responsibility once. Most harrowing four minutes of my life. When the old lady came back and thanked me for minding her groceries I was covered in a dread-laden sweat. I don't need to learn a lesson twice - I've been skirting responsibilities ever since. So even though I want to be an inspiration to you all, I can't teach you this stuff. Have you guys SEEN a calendar? Stressful...
disclaimer
I believe that anyone can be rich, whether you're a teacher or a nurse, provided you work very, very hard in your job and your family got a head start in railways, oil fields or early 20th Century luxury hotels. But every rule should be issued with a disclaimer so here is mine. BTW - in case nobody has said it to you yet: Happy Tuesday!
spandex psa
Yesterday I went to a cafe in Watertown, MA, and there was a guy there wearing spandex who was staring at me suspiciously. I was worried until I realized that other people could see him too. So today's card is obviously a Public Service Announcement. You know ... if I wasn't saving the world I'd probably go mad.
label nazi
Back when I was poor and unnourished, I lived with a guy who used to drink my milk while I slept. As a comparative ratio, based on my assets at the time, this equated roughly to stealing my car. But I never put a note on anything in the fridge. Even to me, who once suffered, a note on milk is an instruction to steal.
fire safety
Today's wrongcard offers a workplace survival tip. BTW if you are ever subjected to a Human Resources meeting about fire safety awareness you should interrupt occasionally with remarks like: "But you have to admit that fire is incredibly beautiful" and "But you'll agree nothing purifies quite like fire." It helps pass the time.
kindness towards llamas
Everybody knows that llamas are the second-class citizens of the horse world. I think they're awesome and a bit better than alpacas. Alpacas kind of have a shifty look about them. They're both okay I guess but in a tight-spot I'd rather have a llama with me than an alpaca. I don't know why but my instincts are usually pretty good about this stuff.
house hunting advice
This is good advice. A lot of people out there seem oblivious to certain risks. I can try and warn people but my words can only do so much. It's up to all of you to exercise all due caution. Remember: be careful out there.
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