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Thank You Ecards

Sometimes we are compelled to express gratitude and say thank you with a card. For instance: someone makes you a pie or helps you move the body of a dead clown you might have innocently discovered in the woods near your house, or dispose of a particularly incriminating axe. The point here is that it doesn’t cost anything to send one of these Thank You Cards and in some cases it might even make you look pretty nice, which can be handy later on if you decide to see if you can convince them to sleep with you.

But where are we without gratitude, anyway? A shell of a person. A husk. One time, I shared some ice cream with a girl. She was pretty, but ice cream is ice cream, and I don’t know why she couldn’t have gotten her own. She was yapping about romance and flowers and that sort of thing, and how we should walk along the pier together under the stars. Then she just … helped herself to my ice cream. The absolute nerve. Of course, I wanted to shove her off the pier into the ocean, but there was a policeman standing nearby, and you know what? I’m very grateful I saw that policeman, because when I consulted a legal expert afterwards, I learned that the constabulary in general would have taken a dim view of the proceedings. So, what I’m saying here is I am very thankful for the restraint I showed that day. In a lot of ways, I’m a very restrained person actually.

Thank You ecard with text: Thank you for sparing us the inevitable feelings of social awkwardness that we would both be forced to feel if you were to ever realize that my problems are frequently worse than yours.

my problems

Due to a speech impediment I developed as a child, for many years I was unable to say the words 'thank you' without gnawing on someone's leg. However, after I got over my subconscious fear of invisible silent Qs in words, I found I was finally able to express gratitude verbally. I'd be thanking people all the the time if it wasn't such a sign of weakness.

Thank You ecard with text: Thank you for accidentally teaching me the usefulness of ignoring advice.

usefulness

The question of where one stands on the topic of Family largely depends on how much advice they've given you. I've been subjected to special quantities of well-intentioned advice that I've never followed. This is, incidentally, why I'm not an oyster farmer.

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