Sometimes we are compelled to express gratitude and say thank you with a card. For instance: someone makes you a pie or helps you move the body of a dead clown you might have innocently discovered in the woods near your house, or dispose of a particularly incriminating axe. The point here is that it doesn’t cost anything to send one of these Thank You Cards and in some cases it might even make you look pretty nice, which can be handy later on if you decide to see if you can convince them to sleep with you.
But where are we without gratitude, anyway? A shell of a person. A husk. One time, I shared some ice cream with a girl. She was pretty, but ice cream is ice cream, and I don’t know why she couldn’t have gotten her own. She was yapping about romance and flowers and that sort of thing, and how we should walk along the pier together under the stars. Then she just … helped herself to my ice cream. The absolute nerve. Of course, I wanted to shove her off the pier into the ocean, but there was a policeman standing nearby, and you know what? I’m very grateful I saw that policeman, because when I consulted a legal expert afterwards, I learned that the constabulary in general would have taken a dim view of the proceedings. So, what I’m saying here is I am very thankful for the restraint I showed that day. In a lot of ways, I’m a very restrained person actually.
