If you feel that most of the freaking greeting cards in the world are nothing more than crass, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then you would be right, and so: welcome to Wrongcards. If you don’t think Hallmark cards are kind of creepy - you are probably in the wrong place and should probably leave this place and never come back. Now.
Our ecards are free to send, and they will always be free to send. Wrongcards is not intended for mass-appeal, nor is it intended for the mainstream. If you are still reading this, if you have gotten this far, you are probably not a mainstream person yourself, which is good because Wrongcards will probably work for you.
No one will be able to buy t-shirts here with clever phrases on them. No one will be able to attempt to fill up that inner emptiness by buying a hat with a Wrongcards logo. We run ads to pay for our hosting but if we wanted riches, we’d have ecards here with pictures of dogs playing poker, or kittens covered in spaghetti. But then we’d be crying ourselves to sleep each night.
So welcome to the sprawling glory that is Wrongcards; ecards that are very, very wrong.
Topical cards touch upon current events and themes in this contemporary life of ours. This category includes celebrity ecards and political ecards and the general mish-mash of things you’ll read about in the news. There’s an OCD category as well, for anyone who is sufficently obsessive-compulsive to read this far.
When giant robots attack major cities, for instance, you’ll soon find a topical card here touching on the fact and probably blaming aliens.
They were exciting times. The International Olympics Committee were excited about Wrongcards agreeing to create the official ecards for the games. We were flown first-class to Geneva and taken on tours of the IOC headquarters by beautiful polyglots dressed in the latest Milan fashions. Cigars were lit, bottles of ouzo were poured into chilled decanters by prim, soundless waiters.
And the olives! The olives, I don’t need to say, were perfection itself. Our hosts in Lausanne were happy. We were happy. There was talk of us taking a jet to someone’s private resort in Northern Italy later in the afternoon for a little light skiing. Then someone asked if we’d like to show them our drafts for the Olympic cards.
Innocently, I pulled my Macbook Air from its case… Only later, amid the confusion and tension, I realized my mistake. The very air seemed to change. Someone knocked over a wine glass. Dignitaries were escorted from the room by panicked security guards and a booming baritone declaimed indignantly to me in French. God knows what THAT was about, nor how we got to the airport. If it wasn’t for our lawyers I have no idea where it all would have ended.
Within hours all communications with the IOC had ceased. We arrived back in Boston dazed and hung-over (but with some delicious contraband ouzo hidden amid our luggage). We learned that the International Olympics Committee had decided not to sue, but I think the restraining order they issued against us was, frankly, a ridiculous piece of over-reaction. And that’s where matters stand to this day, and this is how our Olympics Wrongcards came to be, somewhat sadly, the un-official ecards of the games.”
These ecards are belong to our Topical Ecard category of Wrongcards, and aim to truly capture the political zeitgeist of our times.
Some of these are bound to annoy someone, but - and this is the crucial point here, when you think about it - they will only annoy people with incorrect political opinions.
So nothing to worry about really.
Ecards for people with obsessive compulsive disorder - a switch flipped on in my head - fourteen times, off and on, just to be sure - and there it was: why hadn’t we created these yet? Of course, at first I wasn’t sure this was a good idea. Why risk offending a group of people who are really well organized? Still, at least the letters of complaint would be neatly written. On the other hand I’d have to open five identical envelopes per complaint. Finally it struck me. People with OCD aren’t gonna mess with me. They’ll might come over and tidy up around me a bit, but they’d never mess with me.
Note: there are three spelling errors in the above paragraph: can you find them all?
Scientology is often described by experts, actors and celebrities as the one true religion. Because only a few religions have ever claimed that mantle, we have decided they might be onto something. These cards are represented here as satire because everybody knows that the L. Ron Hubbard was no mere writer of fiction. We would ourselves be practicing Scientologists but we do not have the funds for auditing and so all spiritual progress is stymied by our lack of wealth or celebrity. The cards here are clearly wrong and in poor taste and we include them among our collection to show you just how stupid opponents of the Church of Scientology can be. I know it sounds backwards but that’s how satire works.
Where would we be without romance? Probably living less dramatic lives with more compatible people and much more realistic expectations. The only reason our range of Romantic wrongcards exists is because when people start to get themselves into a romantic mood, all good judgment evaporates. And that’s where we come in. So if you are going all dewy-eyed and gaga about a certain special somebody then you might as well kick-off the relationship with a Greeting Card that is wrong. Because it’s always good to scale back their estimation of you and get them used to feeling a little disappointed. It’s only fair.
When it comes to St Valentines Day the most practical approach is to send a card to many, many potential lovers because it is always good to hedge your bets. I believe that God hedged His bets when He created mammals just in case things didn’t work out well with the dinosaurs. And they didn’t work out, did they, so it goes to prove that there is some Divine Wisdom is these words.
So I think St Valentine was arguing that you should flirt often and every day and send many valentines to random people. It is written up in the Bible somewhere and I’d go find it but I’m a little lazy when it comes to research.
Keeping the costs of flirtation down to a minimum is critical because flirting is your bread and butter, your ticket to fame and success. Fortunately, unlike love, our flirting cards are free (to send, anyway). We’re not saying you should be using wrongcards to flirt with people; we’re saying that if you don’t you will probably end up dying alone and unloved. In a cold damp room. On a mildewed carpet beside a dead clown with a needle in its arm. And lots of spiders.
Knowing that you have to send a timely anniversary card to a loved-one or spouse is a necessary life skill. And we’re not just talking about wedding anniversaries here. If you ever want to procreate or merely have a life uninterrupted by dismemberment you will have to learn to do better than merely remembering when to say Happy Anniversary. You have to get her a card and ideally some presents. Under no circumstances should you send your mate a Wrongcard. There. You’ve been warned.
Concern Cards will let you express regard - or, rather disregard for someone. As Greeting Cards these are a little useless and sending them to people might even be considered tasteless but people have all sorts of ill-founded opinions and what do they know, really? Now, I could jibber-jabber through a list of reasons not to send a wrongcard to anybody but you have probably stopped reading this by now. Why do I do this? What was I ever thinking? This is the stupidest start-up idea anyone ever had - and makes my ‘Theme Park for Sheep’ idea seem brazenly lucrative. I’m wasting my potential.
Sometimes people aren’t very happy and this can be very boring and tedious. One thing you can do is send them a wrongcard to make them feel better. If this doesn’t help them cheer up a little you can also send them along razor blades or sleeping pills. However, the postage can be expensive and it might later raise a few eyebrows down at the coroner’s office so we recommend you try sending them a cheering wrongcard first.
When you need to reach out to a friend, family member or loved one and say something so vague that words fail you, you have only one recourse: although what that is has momentarily escaped me due to its nebulous nature and my inability to master the required lexicon. To mix a metaphor: there are more cards here than you could conceivably drink and you’re bound to find at least one that expresses how you feel, though we firmly apologize for this fact. It is true, however, that at least sometimes letting these feelings out can really help. So send away, the cards are free to send, etcetera.
So often in life we find ourselves making mistakes. In fact, what would life be without its little errors? Dull and tedious, I say. So, logically speaking, if you want a full and rich life you should always have some well-turned apologies prepared in advance. Sometimes it’s better not to say you’re sorry in person because you might start snickering and seem insincere, so the most ideal thing to do is send along a short note. Of course, when you need to apologize you don’t turn to wrongcards unless your judgment is very unsound, in which case we have a wide assortment of cards to express how very sorry you are indeed. Enjoy!
Excuses. We all need to excuse ourselves occasionally from attending a party. Or abstain from doing something someone wants us to do because we don’t feel like it. Sometimes our excuses are sound enough. It’s just that our friends and family aren’t always reasonable people who understood that sometimes we don’t want to do what we’re told. Sometimes we’d rather drive nails into our legs than attend one of their awful, you know, events they plan. Dinners. Wine and Cheese Nights. Orgies. Such events with family can be a little distasteful. So these Excuses Cards should help you extricate yourself from said awkward scenarios. Some of them are even believable. They’re probably a little inappropriate but that’s what you get from free ecards, cheapskates.
The cards are terrifically useful provided they are not sent as sympathy cards. They offer little in the way of actual condolence and they’re not very sympathetic but they might help you rejoice in life. Brief and uncertain as it is.
Sometimes people we like very much abandon us for their own selfish pursuits, taking vacations or business trips without caring if we will feel lonely. In which case you should first pawn their valuables to teach them a lesson. And because they haven’t adequately prioritized your needs for entertainment and diversion, you should start guilt-tripping them right away. When they know how much they have wronged you they will soon return home in apologetic tears. How long it takes you to forgive them for abandoning you is up to you. So send them a Missing You Card to get the ball rolling now.
You can remind people to remember important things with one of these reminder cards. It is generally considered to be a good thing to consider the needs of others, and this desire to send along some crucial advice urging them to bear certain things in mind is a clear sign that you are both thoughtful and caring. This observation is, however, completely undermined by the fact you’re about to send a card that is wrong for every occasion. You could use one of these cards as an alternative to our thinking of you cards. Just remember that some of them are very, very wise and pertain to highly specific instances you will never see anywhere else.
Sometimes we are compelled to express gratitude and say thank you with a card. For instance: someone makes you a pie or helps you move the body of a dead clown or dispose of a particularly incriminating axe. The point here is that it doesn’t cost anything to send one of these Thank You Cards and in some cases it might even make you look pretty nice, which can be handy later on if you decide to see if you can convince them to sleep with you. Look, we’re just saying.
You know how awful it can be when a friend gets sick and you want to tell them you want them to get well soon, but you don’t watch to catch their awful swine flu germs? Well, all you have to do is send a get well card from wrongcards.
These cards will help you seem like you want them feel better without your having to go over there when they’re at their most boring and contagious. Incidentally if things don’t pan out well with your aforementioned sick friend don’t forget we have sympathy cards. A little bit self-promotion there.
By the way, these sympathy cards, like all the others, are free to send. Woot! Sympathy doesn’t get any cheaper than this!
There are special people in our lives who are called family and they can do anything they please towards you because, ahem, you’re related to them. You’ll see a side to them that their friends never see. You’ll have memories of them trying to kill or maim you. And what’s more, you can’t get rid of these people. You’re doomed to always see them again and again and again and again because God hates you. Anyway to pay lip-service to these familial relationships there is nothing better than a wrongcard. Sending a family card from here is a nice way of reminding them that blood is more clotted than water.
Sweetie, I LOVE your parents, you know I do… If you’ve heard these words then you’re living with a god-damned liar. And that’s fine. I believe that nobody should love their spouse’s parents - it’s creepy. Oh of course you meet these people who say they don’t want to kill their in-laws and sometimes I even believe them, in which case I like to to refer them to a mental health specialist in Switzerland. Who was it that said that the only reason you should be nice to your in-laws is so that you can be above suspicion when you murder them? Oh that’s right, it was me.
Our Celebration Cards are not useful to send to people who are celebrating things that are important to them. They may elicit gratitude. They may elicit horror. They may result in extraordinary sexual-favors but this is highly unlikely so let’s put special emphasis here on the ‘free ecards’ aspect and leave it at that. Besides, it’s not as if fate has been dispensing free tea and biscuits to you lately. Why doesn’t anybody send you these cards? The world is unjust. There, I said it. But as a feeble act of good conscience, sending along one of our celebratory cards to others more fortunate than yourself is probably an ill-conceived idea. And that’s the real benefit.
When a new baby comes along there’s a lot of screaming and blood and some doctors laugh all the way to the bank. Most of us seem to find the experience of being born so traumatic that we’ve forgotten it within a few short years. But society likes its conventions and one such convention is sending baby cards to new parents. So here you go.
New Year’s is an excuse to go drinking. We count down to some moment on an abstract, imaginary calendar and then we go and drink and run around the streets yelling happy new year! at equally drunk strangers. This is perfectly normal behavior and makes a lot of sense provided you don’t think about it. But you should send new years cards to people now and get them feeling positive towards you before they find themselves waking up on January 1st in a pool of soup that is two-parts vodka, one part your vomit.
So you need to send an appropriate birthday card? So okay, you’re in the wrong place - or are you? As far as e-cards go, our cards do offer the tactical advantage of being free. Besides, as alliterative folks of means might suggest, the spending of shekels is but a sad substitute for sincerely-stated sentiment; ‘tis even somewhat silly. Birthday wishes should be sent with a free card, and these are very best free birth day cards that money can’t buy.
April 26 is Hug An Australian Day and here are our free ecards celebrating that occasion. As an Australian, this holiday has me wondering. I don’t want anyone to think me ungrateful but I would really like to know how these sorts of things get started. Is there some kind of club or secret meeting? If so, it’s a real pity that I wasn’t invited because on April 26 we could all be celebrating ‘Give an Australian a Nice Custard Tart Day’ or ‘Loan Your Girlfriend to an Australian Day’. As I say - I’m not ungrateful - but the next time you have a secret meeting to set up a holiday for Australians get in touch because I have lots of ideas that, if not entirely moral, are at least in something of a ‘gray area’.”
People get so optimistic and what comes of it? They get engaged and then comes the awful necessity of attending their weddings. Here’s the point: you can send them wedding cards to celebrate their engagement. And often, if you send the right wrong card, you can get out of the whole obligation of having to be there. Of course if things pan out between the lucky couple then in about a year you’ll wind up needing to send one of these baby cards to them as well.
Optimists, I say.
Occasionally one is compelled, through no fault of one’s own, to celebrate the achievement of a person who is not oneself. These cards are designed to see you through these non-self-congratulatory moments with flying colors. You may sound ironical and insincere but why should the winner get all the good sentiment, praise and attention? There’s no reason you shouldn’t feel peevish that it isn’t you up there in the limelight. So send one of these token expressions of interest in the form of an ecard. Never mind, one day it’ll be you receiving congratulations cards and then everyone will want your love and validation. Until then we must bide our time, oh yes…
‘Just Because’ cards are simply an assortment of ecards that don’t fit within the traditional bounds of The Greeting Card, which is generally considered a useful social gesture to express polite regard. The problem with ‘Just Because Cards’ is that you will rarely have incentive to send them to anyone and, upon receipt, the recipient is likely to assume you are merely bored at work or otherwise have too much time on your hands.
Further, and perhaps most distressingly, our ‘Just Because’ Cards are a container category for several species of completely cool but impractical ecards.
Human Resources probably frowns on these cards but you can probably argue that you were just trying to raise company morale by making the workplace a more cheerful environment. They probably won’t buy it though: they never do. It might not be a good idea to send these greeting cards around the office unless you feel like getting fired. We are not experts on differentiating Workplace Inappropriate from Appropriate and we have cards here advocating arson for God-sakes. Maybe you could table this question in a meeting?
There is no way of classifying any of these cards other than with three special letters: WTF. No explanation is necessary - to discover more you’re going to have to click on a card and flick through the entire category yourself. So get on board - the train is leaving the station and you have a whole lot of weirdness to get through.
These ecards, whose sole purpose is to elevate the moral plane of Wrongcards, are filled with inspiring quotes and thoughts that will, if received and contemplated for a sufficient amount of time, inspire many of you to become better people. Some of you will not be effected, however, because there was never any hope for you in the first place because you never have been, nor never will be, very good at self-improvement and let’s face it, you’ve always secretly known it. So while some of these inspirational cards are a complete waste of time for the stridently hopeless, many of you will become better people from looking at these cards.
Useful in the (perhaps inevitable) Event of Zombies, these cards could save your life. The proviso is simple: the outbreak won’t originate in some lab accident. Only impressionable kids and dotards believe that. No, zombies will be first appear after a bioweapon attack. It’s aim? Simply to cull the global population in a neo-Darwinian survival horror game of the fittest. The organization behind the coming zombie wars will be monitoring our communication channels … but they won’t be monitoring ecards, will they? Amateurs, dude. In the meantime, these cards can tutor you on the finer points of surviving through hordes of undead. Remember, the paranoid always have the last laugh. But in our case we’ll be laughing down the barrels of a blood-soaked shotgun. Let’s All Be Prepared!
TGIF stands for Thank God It’s Friday, an expression that signifies joy about the end of the work week. TGIF also expresses hope that a weekend of debauchery will compensate for the fresh hell endured from Monday to Friday. Here at Wrongcards TGIF is used to convey that sentiment and that sentiment only. The acronym should never be spoken out loud. If a colleague or co-worker says to you ’T-G-I-F’ you might have a slight personnel problem in your workplace. Or perhaps they merely have a bad case of the Mondays. You might as well send them to work colleagues. What are they going to do - fire you on a Friday?
So Holidays come around now and then and sometimes you can’t be bothered thinking about them because they’re all rubbish, right? But you need a token of sentiment to send along with your holiday greetings and here you are, poking about at Wrongcards looking for one. Nice judgment call.
It’s a special time of year that brings people closer together while problematizing the core principles of consumer capitalism. Here is a question: why is Christmas a shopping holiday?
And when did it stop being about love and long-legged women in red stockings? Why are we buying things for our annoying relatives? What happened to the real Christmas and where are the elves we were promised? Is Christmas little more than a conspiracy perpetrated against us by sock merchants? I find all these questions troubling.
Anyway. Here are some cards you can send to people for this holiday. You don’t have to tell them they were free to send.
You don’t have to do much reading at wikipedia to find out that Christopher Columbus was a bit of a jerk. He led a band of veritable neocons to the (ahem) New World where they generally behaved like a bunch of property tycoons and reality television stars. They grabbed women inappropriately and acted like racist dicks.In short, his crew was as moral as a Dick Cheney hunting party. They also killed a bunch of people for being brown and having valuable minerals. Pretty much run-of-the-mill 21st Century foreign policy, except without the drones. Why do Americans celebrate Columbus Day? Generations of really bad high school history teachers in an education system run on a shoe-string budget. Why is school funding hooked up to property-taxes, anyway? Why not make it all federal? Make it fair and equitable, huh? But look at me - trying to save America again….
Every Halloween a bunch of creepy stuff happens. Plastic skeletons appear on porches. People burn pumpkins. Children go around in disguise extorting confectionery. And people send wrong Halloween Cards to their otherwise blameless friends. Say Happy Halloween with a Wrongcard and only mildly annoy them. As far as gifts go.. well, they’re free and slightly less tacky than a plastic jack-o-lantern.
These cards are perfect for sending on Mother’s Day. If you don’t have a Mother, perhaps through indifference on her part or negligence on yours, you can easily send a card to someone who merely looks like your Mother. To that end it’s not a bad idea to have a few auxiliary Mothers on standby. Wrongcards does let you send ecards to multiple recipients. Alternatively you might consider allowing yourself to be legally adopted by a duck. But please don’t send our Mothers Day cards to farm animals because that is absurd.
Thanksgiving is a pleasant North American holiday that celebrates gratitude with gluttony. It’s probably easier to say Happy Thanksgiving with a very wrong card than drive across the United States to meet up with family whom you probably don’t like very much anyway.
If you find the holiday too stressful you can always cook up some turkey in a microwave and spend the week alone, warming yourself by the light of the television. I’ve been spending most Thanksgivings alone ever since I went through my firebug stage and the trick to surviving this week is video games. By the way, if you can’t find a suitable Thanksgiving Card here then you might want to try our family cards selection.
What’s your favorite thing about Independence Day? Mine is when Will Smith punches that alien squarely in the chops and says: ‘Welcome to Earth!’.
I don’t know a lot about American history but it’s obvious that Americans take these regularly-timed alien invasions very seriously. When President Bill Pullman makes that stirring speech about how important it is to defend his country from aliens, it made me wish I was an American too. Because his speech made no mention of defending the Earth, just America, which seemed a bit rough on Mexico and Canada, I thought.
“We’ll save our country from these pesky aliens but nobody else!” was my take-away from the entire film. That’s why many of us move to the United States; this is the only country where people take alien invasions seriously.
Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. A bunch of non-Irish-folk paint themselves green, get viciously drunk and swear that they’ve got an Irish grandmother somewhere. This isn’t the first religious holiday to be co-opted by nationalists, alcoholics or both, and it won’t be the last. What can you do about it, except get drunk?
And when initiating this green-tinged frenzy of drunken hooliganism, the best thing to do is to send out wrongcards. Just so you all show up at the right faux Irish Pub. See that guy propping up the bar over there singing quietly to himself? Don’t worry, that’s just me.
These cards are useful for Jewish celebrations and special occasions. The Jewish Church was founded in Vermont in 1274 by Joseph Stein and some business associates who were surveying the area for alluvial gold. Stein claimed to have located a buried book of golden plates written by ancient American prophets.
Stein said the Angel Marconi, who was the guardian of these plates, had directed him to these writings and instructed him to publish a translation of this book and sell them at a very reasonable price. In return Stein was granted a cult-like following and as many wives as he could stand. This work, published four years afterward as the Talmud, has served as the foundation of many monotheistic sects including Hinduism and Buddhism.
Passover is a holiday within the Jewish church that celebrates fertility. Scholars say that early Passover ceremonies originated in pagan England and Wales where it symbolized the ‘being passed over’ by the devil, a common metaphor for venereal disease in those times. Early Passover ceremonies often involved a costume with reindeer horns and bells. Templar Knights brought Judaism to Jerusalem during the crusades where it is now celebrated with the consumption of grain alcohol and delicious, spicy cakes baked in the shape of small pigeons.
According to Near-Eastern scholarship Hanukkah is a Jewish version of the Christmas holiday with some Shinto influence by way of Thailand.
Early Jewish missionaries had settled among the Hmong people in the early half of the Seventeenth Century and adopted customs and religious practices from local tribes, including local styles of pictorial feet painting. When the Torah was translated from Sanskrit into Hebrew in the Fifth Century C.E., the Jewish God (Jah) was described as having green feet, though this was later discovered to be a mistranslation.
Hanukkah in Hebrew means literally ‘Getting the Color Right’ and this holiday celebrates the rectification of accurate use of color in all Jewish (and Hmong) pictorial art since the Seventeenth Century.
The smell of vodka, cheap aftershave and the stirrings of filial gratitude. It must be Father’s Day. He was always there for you, or perhaps he wasn’t? Good old whats-his-face. Pa. The guy who knocked up your mother. This is the moment where you have to say ‘Thank you, Dad’. Once a year you send the old man a token gesture of ‘no-hard-feelings.’ You google ‘cards fathers day’ and then you tap out a few maudlin words and the sorry business is over. Father’s Day Card sent. And now for the more pressing task of not turning into him…
Easter is a chocolate-based holiday that celebrates Jesus bringing chocolate from Egypt to the Israelites who had enslaved the Pharaoh’s people inside Jerusalem. Jesus rode in through the north gate on a donkey and his followers waved palm fronds. Later, they would meet secretly in seafood shops, using the sign of the fish as a revolutionary symbol for Freedom, although this symbol was later co-opted by neo-Darwinists.
Incidentally - neo-Darwinists don’t believe in Easter because they worship monkeys and think the world was created in an explosion (no plausibility there). We celebrate Jesus’ discovery of chocolate at Easter. I’m not sure I really believe there was ever a giant rabbit who distributed eggs but I encourage you all to do your own research.