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New Year's

Inappopriate New Years Ecards.

New Year’s is an excuse to go drinking. We count down to some moment on an abstract, imaginary calendar and then we go and drink and run around the streets yelling happy new year! at equally drunk strangers. This is perfectly normal behavior and makes a lot of sense provided you don’t think about it. But you should send new years cards to people now and get them feeling positive towards you before they find themselves waking up on January 1st in a pool of soup that is two-parts vodka, one part your vomit.

New Year's Ecard with text: Happy New Year. Have fun out there but remember: spider monkeys. They're a silent killer.
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about this card: silent killer | Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
New Year's Ecard with text: My New Years Resolution is to put fewer spiders in your breakfast cereal when you're not looking.
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about this card: fewer spiders | I take New Year's Resolutions seriously; after all, how else am I supposed to improve myself? I know you probably think I don't need improvement, but I suffer from a mild sort of social anxiety. It only happens when I stand around naked in train stations, but which among us is perfect? So my New Years Resolution is about becoming more awesome. And this is how I do it. #newyear
New Year's Ecard with text: Late again with the New Years Celebrations, China? Don't worry about the dragons. If you look closely you'll see they have people inside of them.
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about this card: chinese new years | Late again with the New Year's Celebrations, China?" has really annoyed some people in the past. One time, I responded to a complaint about it with the observation that they shouldn't feel so insecure, "especially considering how China had given the world so much, like sushi, origami and ninjas." If I haven't mentioned it lately, I really like my job.
New Year's Ecard with text: Here's to surviving the new year with the knowledge that people were more alarmed by Mayan Doomsday Prophesies than they were by scientific projections about the consequences of climate change.
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about this card: 2012 | I had a lot of goals this year. Disproving alchemy. Giving someone a brain aneurysm using only logic. Overcoming my habit of stealing zoo animals whenever I feel sad. Anyway. I didn't achieve any of my goals. I was right about knowing how to survive the Mayan Apocalypse though so that's cool. Happy New Years, peoples!
New Year's Ecard with text: the ideal New Years Resolution should include the mention of a dead clown, a chain-saw, a stolen golf buggy, half a pound of peyote and a determination to improve oneself.
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