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Happy Holidays Cards | PAGE 1

Holiday Cards. An assortment of terribly tasteful Holiday Ecards. Free but ill-advised.

So Holidays come around now and then and sometimes you can’t be bothered thinking about them because they’re all rubbish, right? But you need a token of sentiment to send along with your holiday greetings and here you are, poking about at Wrongcards looking for one. Nice judgment call.

Christmas Ecard with text: My theory of how the presents get under the Christmas tree is no less plausible then yours.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: christmas mantis | Have you talked to your children about the Christmas Mantis yet? I have. There's a note here from the school, they want me to come in and talk about it. What's so strange about an eight-foot-long Praying Mantis, climbing through windows, distributing consumer goods? Because an 'overweight Norwegian with a flying sled' is more logical? I don't know. It's better than my Christmas Leopard theory.
Christmas Ecard with text: One of the most offensive and morally objectionable things about Christmas is the obligation to buy gifts for your in-laws.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: gifts for in-laws | I don't even know what this card means. I just like writing random words sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. I am figuratively seeing nothing here. Let's not ... no, don't make this about your parents. Nobody even mentioned your parents. Why do you have to bring them into this? I am just making an innocent wrongcard, and - what? Oh. My. God. You are being SO much like your mother right now!
Christmas Ecard with text: I may or may not have gotten you a Christmas spider. The joy lies in the discovery.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: christmas spider | People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
Christmas Ecard with text: One thing that really sucked about Jesus life was having to get his birthday presents AND Christmas presents on the same day each year.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: Jesus birthday | I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
Columbus Day Ecard with text: If you're going to celebrate Columbus Day then show some historical awareness, perhaps by spending the day giving syphilis to Europeans.
Columbus Day Ecards view send
about this card: historical awareness | Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.
New Year's Ecard with text: Happy New Year. Have fun out there but remember: spider monkeys. They're a silent killer.
New Year's Ecards view send
about this card: silent killer | Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
New Year's Ecard with text: My New Years Resolution is to put fewer spiders in your breakfast cereal when you're not looking.
New Year's Ecards view send
about this card: fewer spiders | I take New Year's Resolutions seriously; after all, how else am I supposed to improve myself? I know you probably think I don't need improvement, but I suffer from a mild sort of social anxiety. It only happens when I stand around naked in train stations, but which among us is perfect? So my New Years Resolution is about becoming more awesome. And this is how I do it. #newyear
Christmas Ecard with text: When we appropriated a pagan holiday,we didnt choose one with naked writhing priestesses performing orgiastic fertility rites and snake dances. No. We based our holiday on a Turkish guy called Nicholas who left coins in peoples shoes.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: appropriated holiday | I love Christmas. Christmas doesn't mean presents, trees, or Jesus having a birthday. It means pudding and fruit mince pies! And also explaining what those things are to skeptical Americans who, without pudding or fruit mince pies, have been getting Christmas wrong for centuries. Oh I should say something about this card. Let's see. Let me think. Hmm. How about 'I need to stop saying the truth or nobody is going to invite me to their Christmas parties...'
Christmas Ecard with text: In the United States, twelve million adults believe the world is secretly controlled by lizard people. But go ahead, teach impressionable children that Sant Claus is real. What could possibly go wrong? (Picture of a lizard man in a Santa Hat.)
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: what could go wrong | Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
Christmas Ecard with text: In accordance with tradition, and like most others, this Christmas card has lots of deer in it. With a picture of venison.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: christmas deer | "What are you getting me for Christmas?" she asked. , "A card," I replied., "Because you own a greeting card company, right?" , "That's right. If I give you a card I get to save money.", "Great." , "It is pretty cool," I agreed. , "Well, at least promise me it'll be a traditional Christmas card, with deer on it or something.", "I promise."
Christmas Ecard with text: Merry Christmas. Remember, Snowmen are secretly sentient, and can oftentimes behave very weirdly. You dismiss my warnings at your own peril.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: sneaky snowmen | People often say I'm too serious, but I have so many responsibilities! I run one of the most influential and socially responsible websites on Earth! It's Christmas and I should burning tires in my living room and making up a batch of Nanna's lizard soup but here I am drawing pictures of snowmen for all you reckless people who think snowmen are safe to be around. Look at me, Nanna, saving the world again...
Christmas Ecard with text: santa knew who was naughty and nice. he knew too much. he had to die. sorry.
Christmas Ecards view send
about this card: santa knew too much | Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.

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