An assortment of terribly tasteful Holiday Ecards. Free but ill-advised.
So Holidays come around now and then and sometimes you can’t be bothered thinking about them because they’re all rubbish, right? But you need a token of sentiment to send along with your holiday greetings and here you are, poking about at Wrongcards looking for one. Nice judgment call.
Have you talked to your children about the Christmas Mantis yet? I have. There's a note here from the school, they want me to come in and talk about it. What's so strange about an eight-foot-long Praying Mantis, climbing through windows, distributing consumer goods? Because an 'overweight Norwegian with a flying sled' is more logical? I don't know. It's better than my Christmas Leopard theory.
I don't even know what this card means. I just like writing random words sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. I am figuratively seeing nothing here. Let's not ... no, don't make this about your parents. Nobody even mentioned your parents. Why do you have to bring them into this? I am just making an innocent wrongcard, and - what? Oh. My. God. You are being SO much like your mother right now!
People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.
Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
I take New Year's Resolutions seriously; after all, how else am I supposed to improve myself? I know you probably think I don't need improvement, but I suffer from a mild sort of social anxiety. It only happens when I stand around naked in train stations, but which among us is perfect? So my New Years Resolution is about becoming more awesome. And this is how I do it. #newyear
I love Christmas. Christmas doesn't mean presents, trees, or Jesus having a birthday. It means pudding and fruit mince pies! And also explaining what those things are to skeptical Americans who, without pudding or fruit mince pies, have been getting Christmas wrong for centuries. Oh I should say something about this card. Let's see. Let me think. Hmm. How about 'I need to stop saying the truth or nobody is going to invite me to their Christmas parties...'
Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
"What are you getting me for Christmas?" she asked. , "A card," I replied., "Because you own a greeting card company, right?" , "That's right. If I give you a card I get to save money.", "Great." , "It is pretty cool," I agreed. , "Well, at least promise me it'll be a traditional Christmas card, with deer on it or something.", "I promise."
People often say I'm too serious, but I have so many responsibilities! I run one of the most influential and socially responsible websites on Earth! It's Christmas and I should burning tires in my living room and making up a batch of Nanna's lizard soup but here I am drawing pictures of snowmen for all you reckless people who think snowmen are safe to be around. Look at me, Nanna, saving the world again...
Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.
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