It’s a special time of year that brings people closer together while problematizing the core principles of consumer capitalism. Here is a question: why is Christmas a shopping holiday? And when did it stop being about love and long-legged women in red stockings? Why are we buying things for our annoying relatives? Why am I sending these people a Christmas Card when I never hear from them all year? What is this holiday? Is it little more than a conspiracy perpetrated against us by sock merchants? I find these questions troubling. But you know what isn’t troubling? Wrongcards. In fact, our Christmas Cards are Funny Christmas Cards. No, actually – they’re awesome. They will make you happy, provided you have a sense of humor.
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Christmas Ecards
christmas mantis
Have you talked to your children about the Christmas Mantis yet? I have. There's a note here from the school, they want me to come in and talk about it. What's so strange about an eight-foot-long Praying Mantis, climbing through windows, distributing consumer goods? Because an 'overweight Norwegian with a flying sled' is more logical? I don't know. It's better than my Christmas Leopard theory.
gifts for in-laws
I don't even know what this card means. I just like writing random words sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. I am figuratively seeing nothing here. Let's not ... no, don't make this about your parents. Nobody even mentioned your parents. Why do you have to bring them into this? I am just making an innocent wrongcard, and - what? Oh. My. God. You are being SO much like your mother right now!
christmas spider
People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
Jesus birthday
I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.
appropriated holiday
I love Christmas. Christmas doesn't mean presents, trees, or Jesus having a birthday. It means pudding and fruit mince pies! And also explaining what those things are to skeptical Americans who, without pudding or fruit mince pies, have been getting Christmas wrong for centuries. Oh I should say something about this card. Let's see. Let me think. Hmm. How about 'I need to stop saying the truth or nobody is going to invite me to their Christmas parties...'
what could go wrong
Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
christmas deer
'What are you getting me for Christmas?' she asked. 'A card,' I replied. 'Because you own a greeting card company, right?' 'That's right. If I give you a card I get to save money.' 'Great.' 'It is pretty cool,' I agreed. 'Well, at least promise me it'll be a traditional Christmas card, with deer on it or something.' 'I promise.'
sneaky snowmen
People often say I'm too serious, but I have so many responsibilities! I run one of the most influential and socially responsible websites on Earth! It's Christmas and I should burning tires in my living room and making up a batch of Nanna's lizard soup but here I am drawing pictures of snowmen for all you reckless people who think snowmen are safe to be around. Look at me, Nanna, saving the world again...
santa knew too much
Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.
christmas leopard
The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.
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