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Ecard text: God has appeared to me and revealed that you must make yourself more agreeable to me.
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On Wednesdays I like to post an older card, and then spend the rest of the day working undercover at a company that manufactures cafe furniture. For years I've been secretly implementing policies that ensure all cafe tables are sold with one leg slightly too short. I guess some men just want to watch the world burn.

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Ecard text: I don't know what scares me more - International Terrorism, or that 46% of American voters believe the world was created in six days.
One of my daily challenges is the fact that I understand politics better than everybody else. I already know who will win the US election - some really rich Americans who live in Monaco and Switzerland. Normal Americans who live inside the United States won't fare so well, of course, but at least they'll get to have some interesting arguments among themselves at Thanksgiving.
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Olympics cards

Ecard text: Synchronized Swimmers never drown during Olympic Events. And this means that God cannot possibly exist.
There was a time when our troubled relationship with the International Olympic Committee still had a chance. In retrospect I think the turning point came when we showed them this card. 'Cause about ten seconds later one them threw a mango at me. Seriously, who does that? Some of those IOC guys can be really immature when confronted with Art.
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Ecard text: We can argue all day whether or not God gets high, but I think the evidence is clear.
I never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
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Apology cards

Ecard text: I am sorry I cannot accompany you to church. Because sometimes God talks to me and when He does I have to cover my ears because all He wants to do is talk smut.
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