Because sometimes it's good to mix it up.
I know it might surprise many to find signs of dark humor at Wrongcards. Normally, when we want tasteless material, we go to Hallmark; they have all sorts of deranged filth over there.
Still, with Wrongcards being such a serious website overall, I thought – why not throw a few dark jokes into the mix? You know, ‘black comedy’ reminds me of the time I went drinking with Bill Cosby. Wait, I had a joke for this. God-damn it, I’ve forgotten it. Much like I’ve forgotten the entire afternoon I went drinking with Bill Cosby. I seem to remember we were talking about black humour, then everything gets a bit dark. I’m going to be honest with you – my point here eludes me. Something about making dark jokes. Well, if you’re into that sort of thing, here’s some ecards for you.
One last thing, this category includes celebrity ecards, political ecards and the general mish-mash of things you’ll read about in the news. There’s an OCD, for anyone who is sufficently obsessive-compulsive to have read this far.
My recent diagnosis (turns out I have a mind virus) was a bit of a surprise. I'd just been saying something like, 'wouldn't it be nice if everybody felt equal', and wham! Apparently mind viruses are everwhere now. Good news is Elon is working on a brain implant, so I'm not too worried.
People are always talking about their right to own a gun; they never talk about MY right to own a gun. If I owned a gun I'd be shooting it all the time. Double-parked cars. The occasional jet ski. This bus driver who closed the door as I was about to get on, who I chased for two miles on foot. The real reason I shouldn't have a gun is how much I want one. And also how much I want a bazooka.
I would just like to congratulate Wrongcards for becoming the unofficial official (or official unofficial) ecard creators for this year's Olympics. Winning the contract was tricky - I had to drink half a gallon of green water that they shipped to me - but it wasn't so bad. Who needs to be able to see the color yellow, anyway? Have guys ever seen that awesome Vin Diesel movie where he used street racing knowledge to steal a bank safe? That movie was set in Brazil. If I watch it again, would that make me over-prepared to make these cards? I mean, by American NBC commentator standards?
I was not, as I mentioned once in a wrongcard, put on Earth to help people feel good about being wrong. But who am I, really? Just your average guy, really, just a regular boy who happens to have an invisible blood-soaked hammer of logic welded to his right hand. I like girls and nutmeg cake. I collect wasps, and destroy traitors and hypocrites with my mind. I'm not complicated.
I'm not the tidiest person but that doesn't mean my friends shouldn't be. Sometimes I'll go over to a mate's place and think: how nice that you feel comfortable enough not to clean up before I arrive. So I tell them what Black Mold is. Ten minutes later they'll be disinfecting the linoleum under the fridge while I watch on, eating all the biscuits. You see, I have always liked biscuits.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is a silent killer - mostly of bacteria and household germs. Not that I would make light of a disorder that my ideal house-cleaner would have, but it is OCD Awareness Week, you know. I think. Maybe it's in January. Look, they won't mind. I created a new category of cards for OCD week anyway. Just in case it's, like, now.
As a man I've always considered myself a feminist, I think it's because women look really nice. One of the great triumphs of feminism, I think, was getting women out of those uncomfortable shoes that made them really irritable. Do you know how many men went deaf from being screamed at by uncomfortably shod women? Two bazillion. Trust me, I'm very good with statistics.
When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.
I forgot I'd created a 'celebrity' category so I thought I'd do a card for it. This one is about Stephen Hawking. I like him allot but disagree with him about black holes; though I suppose my 'bird droppings on the lenses of telescopes' idea is still only a theorem too. As you know, the jury is still out on science but I am making scientific friends just in case they turn out to be right.
My Grandmother taught me everything there is to know about world religions, ie. lizards from space have infiltrated all world governments, we're part of the resistance, and all other religious beliefs are crazy. She taught me to be tolerant, and believe in all religions, except when they contradict the stuff about lizards because that's just CIA disinformation to test our faith. Hi Nanna!
'Every Wednesday I post an older card, then I watch TV so corporations can tell me which foods to eat through the next year, and where to buy their diabetes meds the year after that, and which politician they think is most cooperative. Also: did you know how much bacteria is in your bathroom? If you're not worried then the germs have already won.'
Romance. It can't be avoided. It has all the sad inevitability of scabies. And what is romance, anyway? On the one hand, you say you don't like someone at work but when their house burns down suddenly I'm the bad guy. And some men grow up eating crayons. Love is not about taking away a man's crayons. What is Romance? Do I put my elbows on the table anymore? No I don't. So there.
Showing page 1 of 4 pages