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CheerUp | PAGE 1

Cheer Up Cards. These cheer me up, though your mileage may vary.

Sometimes people aren’t very happy and this can be very boring and tedious. One thing you can do is send them a wrongcard to make them feel better. If this doesn’t help them cheer up a little you can also send them along razor blades or sleeping pills. However, the postage can be expensive and it might later raise a few eyebrows down at the coroner’s office so we recommend you try sending them a wrongcard first.

CheerUp Ecard with text: Sorry to hear you've been feeling depressed. My advice is to be happy. Like me.
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about this card: happy like me | I am talented at two things: training wasps to perform tricks, and volunteering. I'm so good at the latter that when I volunteered at the local Suicide Hotline, people stopped calling. My secret? I'd teach my callers how to train wasps. Worked like a charm, too. They would hang up, sobbing with gratitude. My point? Be inspirational! But also maintain an squadron or two of highly-trained wasps.
CheerUp Ecard with text: When they came for the clowns, I did not speak out - because I felt pretty good about it really. And in conclusion I would like to add WOOHOO! (Picture of a clown being dragged away).
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about this card: when they came for the clowns | My feelings about clowns are finally entering the mainstream; Stephen King just put out a documentary called 'IT', which has been very well received, and my Monday evening 'Clown Awareness' circle has grown to more than seven members (if counting my own dissociated personalities is permitted). So I feel good. And you could feel good too, because you know what else? I'M BACK.
CheerUp Ecard with text: If you absolutely must have Identity Issues, then please, for the sake of everyone around you, try to make them interesting. (Picture of a man in a gorilla suit holding a large fish.)
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about this card: identity issues | So the story behind this card is that I was walking near the zoo early this morning when a gorilla escaped its enclosure. I had the good fortune to be eating a toffee apple, which the gorilla had a particular fondness for, so we shared the toffee, had a bit of a heart to heart and then, in a newly restored state of mental calm, the gorilla legged it back over the wall into the zoo. BTW if it doesn't rain on Thursday we're both going swimming!
CheerUp Ecard with text: You should just feel grateful that I cannot always control the universe with my mind. (Picture of a Pterodactyl about to attack an innocent-looking man.)
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about this card: pterodactyl | The worst thing about people being sad is the way they try to make you the scapegoat. "I'm sad because of you. I'm sad because I don't have a sofa anymore. I'm sad because we had to call fire-fighters to the house." My point here is that people wouldn't need to feel sad if they didn't buy brown sofas in the first place. Here is an ecard with a pterodactyl on it.
CheerUp Ecard with text: You think you have problems. My Sims are trapped inside a burning house and someone has bricked up the doors. Life can be so sad.
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about this card: life can be so sad | Sometimes I play this videogame called The Sims and the little people keep having emotional breakdowns and wind up defecating in their neighbor's kitchens at 3am, or entering other Sim's bedrooms to watch them make-out while they daydream about nachos. God is playing 7 billion games of The Sims. Man, that sure is a lot of thoughts about nachos.
CheerUp Ecard with text: Cheer up. Trust me, somewhere out there, alone and afraid in the woods, a clown is suffering.
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about this card: shadowy truth | People sometimes feel bad about things and I blame the media, and also spider monkeys. Everybody puts such an emphasis on bad things happening everywhere but a lot of good things happen that don't get reported on. Each year thousands of circus clowns go missing. If you happen to have information about clown disappearances near you, remember: discretion is everything.
CheerUp Ecard with text: Cheer up. God might not be listening to you but the CIA always is.
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about this card: redacted | I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
CheerUp Ecard with text: I'm sorry that our reality is sometimes just badly calibrated.
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about this card: badly calibrated | One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
CheerUp Ecard with text: Cheer up. At least you are not a slug being eaten by ants.
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about this card: slug life | Sometimes other people feel sad, either because they're feeling under the weather or because they've lost their wallet or even their their arm during a tragic misunderstanding in a game of monopoly. As a general rule when people feel down we all try to help them feel better. It's a societal rule. Without societal rules society would fall apart and nobody would ever deserve chocolate pudding.
CheerUp Ecard with text: Bad news. I've been talking to your imaginary friend and he doesn't like you anymore and anyway, now he's MY imaginary friend.
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about this card: bad news | "Why did you just take a photo of me?" he asked. "Who knows why I do anything?" I replied. "Just don't be putting me in any more wrongcards." "I'd never do that," I said firmly. "You did one that said I smoked weed at work." "Maybe it was your imaginary friend," I said. "I don't have one," he replied. "Funny you should think that..."
CheerUp Ecard with text: i want you to know that if you ever feel troubled or sad you can come to me, and i will console you by telling you that it’s all your fault for never doing what i tell you to do.
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about this card: never feel troubled | Today's card is a Cheer Up card, which can be sent to people who are being depressing. Typically that means they have some sort of problem or a bad thing has happened. My point? When someone's life stops being about blue skies, short skirts and ice cream, we send this card. I know, right? Where were you guys before you found me?
CheerUp Ecard with text: don't worry - there is nothing wrong with you that a good exorcist couldn't fix.
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about this card: good exorcist | Sometimes people get sad and nothing makes them feel better, not even shouting. You can even read out interesting facts about hippopotamuses from your notebook and there's no change in temperament. That's when this re-hash Wednesday card can come in handy. Hippopotamus is Greek for 'water horse'.

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