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Ecard text: Here is your Valentines Day card. NOW can you make me a sandwich?
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'Gentlemen, bad news: Valentines Day is gonna happen any second now. Ladies, yay, you're about to receive a lot of Hallmark nonsense and a bunch of chocolate that you know in your heart is going to go straight to your hips. Puppies? For you, nothing changes, you're still the best things on the planet and I wish there were more of you.'



The Perfect Query Letter for Literary Agents

My quest to find a literary agent, its reasons, and some very excellent advice on how you too can query a literary agent.

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Ecard text: I can tell that I love you by the way I like to make you feel guilty about bullshit.
'Love makes us great! Example: if Lance Armstrong hadn't been so in love with fame and money he wouldn't have frauded his way to a 100+ million dollar fortune. See? That's not logic, that's romance! Like Lance I'm a wildly romantic person too, though it's tempered with a sensible streak of feminism so when on a date I let the chick buy my meal. I also haven't cried on Oprah yet but I'll get to that.'
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Romance cards

Ecard text: I promise to do the right thing by you, except when it becomes inconvenient. Look, every relationship has its little quirks.
I'm a thoughtful person and also very fair and I'm always thinking about people and I'm especially focused on 'how people think'. There is no way to get other people to buy you socks for instance if you don't think about how they think. It's like fixing clocks really. Uh. The burring in my head is making it hard to explain anything today. Also the new medication makes everything yellow.
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Valentines Day cards

Ecard text: I want to spend every moment of Valentines Day alone with you, showing you just how truly amazing and awesome I am at video games.
Greetings from London! On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the day working as a cryptozoologist. I spent the day lurking in the shadows of Paddington Station, hoping to spot an upright walking bear believed to be from Darkest Peru. I'm not very good at cryptozoology.
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Ecard text: Don't worry about my co-dependency issues. They will only bring us closer together.
I've given it a lot of thought and decided that today's wrongcard is an awesome card to send to a stranger. Pick someone random, someone you barely know, and ask yourself: why SHOULDN'T that person have a really weird Friday? No need to thank me - this is what I do for a living.
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