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Ecard text: I am sorry for what I did or did not do. Though in my defence this entire relationship was caused by your breasts. (Illustration of badger with the caption - A BADGER. Why does everything have to be relevent?)
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... and then it occurred to me that many men will be forgetting Valentines Day, and thus might be in dire need of an apology card tomorrow. Think about it. Think of the countless men who will awaken tomorrow to a frosty silence and spend the first half of the day in frozen bewilderment as to what the hell they forgot to do. And you thought YOU had problems.

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Related Cards
Valentines Day cards

Ecard text: Happy Valentines Day because, after giving the matter some thought, I've decided to go through the motions and profess a semblance of romantic sentiment because, all things considered, it just seems preferable to the consequences I'd be force to endure if I did nothing. (A picture of a badger with the words: by the way, I just like this picture, I'm not trying to say I feel badgered or anything.)
I was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?
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Birthday cards

Ecard text: I am giving you this Birthday Card even though you haven't done anything sufficiently sexual in nature to deserve it. Oh look, this bed is empty. (A picture of a bed)
Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.
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Romance cards

Ecard text: I would like to move our relationship to a new level, in which I get to have orgasms.
As you know I'm determined to rescue romance from a culture saturated in half-measures and moderation. Everyone needs a mission I suppose. And maybe it's because I'm from privilege, having been raised on up-market cat food by Nanna in a caravan in South-East Queensland, but I find myself wanting to give back to society. So - if this card doesn't help you, you must be very lost.
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Missing You cards

Ecard text: I miss you but on the upside I at least have a lot more time to get in touch with my OWN body.
I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a man and sometimes I have emotions. When Bunheads got canceled I went into a bit of a dark place. I dragged most of my furniture into the backyard and burned it all in a cold rage, and grew a beard for a while. Downton Abbey reruns made me feel whole again. You know what? I'm dedicating today's card to you. And to Bunheads.
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