For when you really, really hate Valentines Day.
Someone told me these are funny Valentines Day cards. Naturally I was offended. It’s a tawdry holiday. Consumerism as its most shabby. I don’t want people wishing each other Happy Valentines Day. And another thing, why can’t people be more serious?
Last year, someone sent me a Happy Valentines Day Message – using one of my own ecards! And for the first time, I wished these weren’t free Valentine ecards, but actually commercial. Because I should be paid money to endure that sort of nonsensical irony. Listen, no sensible person would use this site. The Valentine’s Day cards especially exist as tacit mockery. They’re wrong and inappropriate. They’re not intended to be useful. These aren’t ‘happy valentines day quotes’. These are one man’s attempt to stave off a nervous breakdown over the awfulness of modern-day consumerism. You’re welcome, by the way.
People often say to me, 'Kris, you're too romantic'. Not in real life, of course, but inside my mind. I'm pleased to say that much of what is said inside my mind is complimentary. I do feel some antipathy towards geese, however, but otherwise I feel I am on good-terms with the world; I both like and understand the world. But I will never understand why you people keep celebrating Valentines Day.
Ever since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
Obviously I'm trying to raise some awareness here. Maybe launch a movement. Perhaps Valentines Day can topple over one day, like the statue of a dictator. The only thing stopping me from pointing out that this is a completely made-up holiday is the fact that they're ALL completely made up holidays! Also, nobody has ever sent me a Valentines Day thing. But whatevs. Not bitter; it's the institution.
Here we are in the second month of our voyage aboard the good ship '2018'. Your Captain is here at the prow, crossbow in hand, on the look-out for albatrosses, and thinking about Valentines Day. Did you know people first celebrated Valentines Day in Roman times? They used to pair off women with men by a lottery. I know! And I'm a bad person for not celebrating it. Sigh. I'm just enabling you all.
Some of us are expected to send St Valentines Day cards tomorrow and somehow our souls feel a stirring of revolt. And we churlishly chafe at this consumer chore, this routine, recurring ritual of relationship renewal. But what can we do? We send an honest card. (Don't say I don't love you).
I was in love once. It was an earth-shattering experience, a state of instant infatuation. As soon as I tasted that vanilla bean ice-cream cone I fell head over heals. Then, in that moment of ecstasy, some really annoying girl came up and asked for a taste. This is where the story gets bad. , , Turns out, she liked vanilla bean ice-cream too. You know what she does? She sits down right next to me and starts to take turns eating my ice-cream (!) And smiling at me in a simpering sort of way (!) Well, long story short, I only got to eat half of that ice-cream cone. But it was love that I felt for that ice-cream, I am sure of it. Makes me sad to remember, actually., , Sigh. That's love for you, I guess. , ,
Some companies profiteer from war. Others profiteer from love. Which is worse? Here at Wrongcards™ we like to ask the hard questions. Like - is our company guilt-tripping you with stupid made-up holidays? Or are we culture assassins engaged in a war on savagery and kitsch? The answer to that question is really up to you. Or, rather, our lawyers, who very boringly overruled this slogan idea for our website: 'Wrongcards: The Halliburton of Ecards'.
I was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?
On Wednesdays I post an older card then I change the world. I believe we can all change the world, we just need love in our hearts. And seven billion dollars for research and development, and a basement full of kidnapped MIT kids to assemble the first batch of self-replicating robot slave spiders. Changing the world also requires pragmatism.
Some say that Valentines Day is a commercialized confidence trick played on lovers, a cloying manufactured holiday, a manipulative marketing mechanism. But me? I only worry about two things. One, that if you don't buy someone chocolate right now, your entire relationship will crumble to pieces. And two, that raptors may not be as extinct as "the authorities" claim.
'Gentlemen, bad news: Valentines Day is gonna happen any second now. Ladies, yay, you're about to receive a lot of Hallmark nonsense and a bunch of chocolate that you know in your heart is going to go straight to your hips. Puppies? For you, nothing changes, you're still the best things on the planet and I wish there were more of you.'
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