Ever since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
Valentines Day
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Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
Christmas
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People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
New Years
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Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
Christmas
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The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.
