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Ecard text: You are the best thing that ever happened to me except for that one time when I found half a clown under a bridge. That was a great day!
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People often say to me 'hey, be careful or you'll set fire to that couch!' Another thing they say is, 'you're a good guy, Che, and a pillar of this community.' And I'm thankful too, which is something you should always feel or at least pretend to feel. This morning I made this card as a way of saying Thank You to people. Don't thank me - well, no, you should absolutely thank me. That's the point, right?

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Ecard text: Cheer up. Trust me, somewhere out there, alone and afraid in the woods, a clown is suffering.
People sometimes feel bad about things and I blame the media, and also spider monkeys. Everybody puts such an emphasis on bad things happening everywhere but a lot of good things happen that don't get reported on. Each year thousands of circus clowns go missing. If you happen to have information about clown disappearances near you, remember: discretion is everything.
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New Years cards

Ecard text: the ideal New Years Resolution should include the mention of a dead clown, a chain-saw, a stolen golf buggy, half a pound of peyote and a determination to improve oneself.
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Birthday cards

Ecard text: you don't want a paper card with pictures of puppies and balloons on your birthday. you want a wrongcard with a picture of a dead clown. happy birthday.
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Inspirational cards

Ecard text: You would be much happier if you focused on more positive things. With a picture of a dead clown.
The problem with having a nice temperament like mine is that only an unreasonable person can ever be angry at me. One way to know if someone is angry is when they bang cutlery loudly in the kitchen sink. It's not a useful tip if you happen to be outside the kitchen so I guess I can only answer 'some' questions. Like is god real? Yep, he's over at my house some nights. We play dice.
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