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Ecard text: Dont worry. Whatever happens I'm never gonna put you in an old peoples home.
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about this wrongcard

I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Christmas cards

Ecard text: Due to prohibitively strict laws in my State, I could not this year contrive to present you with the severed head of Justin Bieber as a Christmas gift. And I say so with heartfelt regret and feelings of utter despondency.
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Inspirational cards

Ecard text: kids, kill a clown. its waaaay more awesome than drugs.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: santa is real. and im going to prove it.
On Wednesdays in December I like to post an older card, then I meditate backwards through time and space. Once I traveled back to '02 and had coffee with myself. I tried to convince me that gum boots would be fashionable in 10 years but I didn't believe me. Actually, I haven't believed anything my Future Self has said for about a decade now.
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Reminder cards

Ecard text: You cannot kill a clown with logic. But you can kill it with a hammer.
What is Christmas about, anyway? For me it's about inspiring others to be better. As an inspirational figure I want to remind you all that there are people in the world who, for reasons of ethnicity, don't celebrate Christmas. You should reach out to them and make them feel bad about that, so maybe next year they WILL celebrate Christmas, and maybe buy us both presents. Man that'd be cool.
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