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The Harvard Skull Fiasco

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Family

Family Cards. These ecards are excellent, especially if you don't read the captions.

There are special people in our lives who are called family and they can do anything they please towards you because, ahem, you’re related to them. You’ll see a side to them that their friends never see. You’ll have memories of them trying to kill or maim you. And what’s more, you can’t get rid of these people. You’re doomed to always see them again and again and again and again because God hates you. Anyway to pay lip-service to these familial relationships there is nothing better than a wrongcard. Sending a family card from here is a nice way of reminding them that blood is more clotted than water.

In Laws
In Laws Ecard with text: I'm sorry I don't want your family to visit but if I wanted to be disrespected under my own roof I would just hire a dominatrix.
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about this card: disrespected | The holidays are almost upon us. And you know who, apart from Santa and serial killers, are going around visiting people? In-laws. In-laws are a practical joke that fate likes to play on married people, which is why I decided to create a new category of cards about them. If you're expecting the Unspeakables this year, this first in-law card is for you. Happy holidays you crazy cats...
Family Ecard with text: One way to ensure that your children will do all their chores and homework is to carefully monopolize the household's supply of cigarettes.
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about this card: monopoly | I was listening to some poor, hapless parent talking about how hard it was to get their kid to enter the civilized world and, before I knew it, the words of today's wrongcard fell off my tongue. If I ever become a parent I want to do it the old-fashioned way: accidentally. I look forward to it, I suppose; it just seems so romantic to flee a country and live under a false identity.
Family Ecard with text: Thank you for turning me into one of those mysterious people who never talk about their families.
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about this card: family portrait | I believe that families should always communicate. This can, however, be a challenge when your only apparent relative is dead. Even though my Nanna isn't with us anymore, conversations with her can get a bit one-sided; it's hard to get a word in edgewise over her demented shrieking and wailing. My advice: when a loved-one dies, do not hire a witch doctor to be a funeral director.
Family Ecard with text: I like that you have a personality, but feel it might be more convenient if you disassembled it into three boxes labeled anger, repression and resentment, and then spent the rest of your life uncontentiously affirming my world view.
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about this card: uncontentious | I was raised by my Nanna, a sort of road-side shaman who drank a lot alcohol-based solvents and read the entrails of demon clowns to divine the future. She believed strongly in the institution of family, which is why she kidnapped me as a baby in the first place. Otherwise I'd have been eaten by the alien lizards. Today's card is for those of you in less fortunate family situations.
Family Ecard with text: Dont worry. Whatever happens I'm never gonna put you in an old peoples home.
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about this card: old peoples home | I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.
Family Ecard with text: It is a sign of just how much I actually like you that I haven't introduced you to my family yet.
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about this card: it is a sign | I was raised in a trailer by my grandma, a wonderful, wise old bird who sold cat pelts to tourists to fund her collection of human teeth. When she wasn't passed out drunk on kerosene, she was doing everything humanly possible to provide me with a normal childhood, including carefully negotiated contracts with witch doctors. This card is for those who weren't as lucky as me.
Family Ecard with text: The most effective way to deal with any manifestation of sibling rivalry among small children is to issue them with light sabers.
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about this card: sibling rivalry | Like most people I had parents. They ran a complex experiment on me called 'raising a child without reading a book or consulting anybody who has done it before'. But they must have done something right because God says he prefers me to just about everybody else in the world. In fact I could become a prophet but I suffer from a phobia of beards. Today's card is about families.
Family Ecard with text: I think that if you had been an only child, you would have become lonely and tried to imagine me. And that would have become dangerous because if your imagination had summoned me, I would have wound up becoming our parents favorite again.
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about this card: favoritism | A Family Card today that touches on the subject of sibling rivalry, with apologies to the 'only child's among us. And apologies as well to orphans and people who burned their families' house down, because they probably find cards mentioning siblings somewhat tactless. You see how it's hard to please everybody.
Family Ecard with text: Genghis Khan killed his own brother when he was thirteen. And he went on to greatness. This is not a threat, just an observation based on a factual instance from history.
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about this card: genghis khans brother | You all know me as a staunch defender of family values. Although Genghis Khan is not closely connected with Thanksgiving he DID father thousands of children and set them up with a dynastic empire. You don't get more family-oriented than that. Did your parents do as much for you? Doubt it. Ask them why not this holiday season.
Family Ecard with text: How about you do all the housework and i'll focus on being awesome, and one day i'll thank you briefly in an appendix of my memoirs.
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about this card: divided labor | Chores. Some want to do them, some don't. The problem is that the people who WANT to do chores always insist that the people who DON'T want to do them should also want to do them. I'd rather lay on a beach than do chores myself, but I've always been an individualist. Here's today's card.
Family Ecard with text: 'I was truly sorry to hear that your parents are getting a divorce. BTW: Could you please give your mother my phone number? No reason.'
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Family Ecard with text: the money i save by sending you an ecard instead of a gift will be spent on drugs. you must have totally failed me as a parent
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