Categories
Family Cards
These ecards are excellent, especially if you don't read the captions.
There are special people in our lives who are called family and they can do anything they please towards you because, ahem, you’re related to them. You’ll see a side to them that their friends never see. You’ll have memories of them trying to kill or maim you. And what’s more, you can’t get rid of these people. You’re doomed to always see them again and again and again and again because God hates you. Anyway to pay lip-service to these familial relationships there is nothing better than a wrongcard. Sending a family card from here is a nice way of reminding them that blood is more clotted than water.
disrespected
The holidays are almost upon us. And you know who, apart from Santa and serial killers, are going around visiting people? In-laws. In-laws are a practical joke that fate likes to play on married people, which is why I decided to create a new category of cards about them. If you're expecting the Unspeakables this year, this first in-law card is for you. Happy holidays you crazy cats...
monopoly
I was listening to some poor, hapless parent talking about how hard it was to get their kid to enter the civilized world and, before I knew it, the words of today's wrongcard fell off my tongue. If I ever become a parent I want to do it the old-fashioned way: accidentally. I look forward to it, I suppose; it just seems so romantic to flee a country and live under a false identity.
family portrait
I believe that families should always communicate. This can, however, be a challenge when your only apparent relative is dead. Even though my Nanna isn't with us anymore, conversations with her can get a bit one-sided; it's hard to get a word in edgewise over her demented shrieking and wailing. My advice: when a loved-one dies, do not hire a witch doctor to be a funeral director.
uncontentious
I was raised by my Nanna, a sort of road-side shaman who drank a lot alcohol-based solvents and read the entrails of demon clowns to divine the future. She believed strongly in the institution of family, which is why she kidnapped me as a baby in the first place. Otherwise I'd have been eaten by the alien lizards. Today's card is for those of you in less fortunate family situations.
old peoples home
I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.
it is a sign
I was raised in a trailer by my grandma, a wonderful, wise old bird who sold cat pelts to tourists to fund her collection of human teeth. When she wasn't passed out drunk on kerosene, she was doing everything humanly possible to provide me with a normal childhood, including carefully negotiated contracts with witch doctors. This card is for those who weren't as lucky as me.
sibling rivalry
Like most people I had parents. They ran a complex experiment on me called 'raising a child without reading a book or consulting anybody who has done it before'. But they must have done something right because God says he prefers me to just about everybody else in the world. In fact I could become a prophet but I suffer from a phobia of beards. Today's card is about families.
favoritism
A Family Card today that touches on the subject of sibling rivalry, with apologies to the 'only child's among us. And apologies as well to orphans and people who burned their families' house down, because they probably find cards mentioning siblings somewhat tactless. You see how it's hard to please everybody.
genghis khans brother
You all know me as a staunch defender of family values. Although Genghis Khan is not closely connected with Thanksgiving he DID father thousands of children and set them up with a dynastic empire. You don't get more family-oriented than that. Did your parents do as much for you? Doubt it. Ask them why not this holiday season.
divided labor
Chores. Some want to do them, some don't. The problem is that the people who WANT to do chores always insist that the people who DON'T want to do them should also want to do them. I'd rather lay on a beach than do chores myself, but I've always been an individualist. Here's today's card.
no reason
