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Ecard text: Jesus was very adamant. All human relationships with the higher power must be negotiated by a priesthood of men in a palace, presided over by a man in a very pointy hat. It's a Bible thing.
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These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.



The Perfect Query Letter for Literary Agents

My quest to find a literary agent, its reasons, and some very excellent advice on how you too can query a literary agent.

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Christmas cards

Ecard text: So some Italians nailed a pacifist, anti-materialist Jewish guy to a few planks and now we celebrate his birthday with a shopping spree. And while this is not considered tactless, it is considered tactless to mention it.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
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Excuses cards

Ecard text: 'If I ever seem to accidentally contradict myself, remember: I am doing it to test your faith. Don't ever say I didn't learn anything from the Bible.'
People often ask if I'm religious. Like any other rational, enlightened man I frequently dialog with Higher Powers. And once or twice I've made myself useful to Him, but why boast of it? He knows my door is always open (provided He doesn't eat all my snacks) and He can always turn to me for spiritual guidance, though I don't like it when He turns up when Bunheads is on.
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Passover cards

Ecard text: Happy Passover. Though I'm sorry your people didn't stick around to help finish the pyramids because they turned out pretty nice in the end.
On Wednesdays I prefer to post an older, more obscure card and then get to work on my bible. I'm writing a new bible, see, but with Cylons, because I like Cylons and was disappointed when there weren't any in the original. I haven't read the Jewish bible but I've seen the movie and liked it, despite them setting the narrative in an historic setting.
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Easter cards

Ecard text: The lesson I have taken away from Easter is that if you are really, really, really nice to people, you will be betrayed by your friends, murdered and then, 2000 years later, everyone will remember you by eating a randomly chosen chocolate animal.
I've been meaning to become religious for a while now. I think I'd be really good at it. Everyone would be DAMN he's good at being religious, and I'd be like I KNOW RIGHT. I'd be better at being religious than Jesus, who, let's face it, kept a back-up career just in case (carpentry). My favorite quote by Jesus? "Live by the carpentry, die by the carpentry." See? Good at being religious.
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