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Ecard text: In the United States, twelve million adults believe the world is secretly controlled by lizard people. But go ahead, teach impressionable children that Sant Claus is real. What could possibly go wrong? (Picture of a lizard man in a Santa Hat.)
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Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...



The Story So Far, Part I

I just disappeared for four years. It's time to come out from the woodwork, but where do I start? How about I go back to the middle?

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Christmas cards

Ecard text: santa knew who was naughty and nice. he knew too much. he had to die. sorry.
Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.
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Hanukkah cards

Ecard text: merry hanukkah. may the Jewish santa bring you lots of amazing stuff! woot!
People. I'm back. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated - by others, and also by me - for tax purposes, but let's not get into that now. The important thing is that I'm back, which means it's time we kicked off this holiday season properly. I'd like to start off Christmas with a Hanukkah card. I know, right?! Look at us all - knowing what Hanukkah is and being all cosmopolitan...
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July4 cards

Ecard text: Happy July Fourth, commemorating George Washington's surrender of Fort Necessity to the French on this day in 1754.
I don't know a lot about Independence Day but I saw the movie and liked it. The only problem was that it gives the impression that July 4 started after aliens tried to take over the US back in the mid-nineties but, when you do the research, the Americans fought the aliens AND the French way back in 1750. Which makes you wonder why the aliens went away and waited for us to develop fighter jets before attacking again. Idiots.
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July4 cards

Ecard text: Americans will spend $600 million dollars on fireworks for the 4th of July. 99% of those fireworks will be imported from China. Happy Independence Day.
One of my favorite things about Independence Day is when the pilot, who nobody believed had been abducted by aliens, turned out to have told the truth about it all. Nothing corroborates an alien abduction story quite like an alien invasion fleet turning up afterwards. Total vindication right there. Ever since I moved to the US and started stockpiling Chinese fireworks, I worry less and less about aliens. In fact: bring it on, aliens!
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