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Halloween Greetings

Halloween Greetings. Why do these need to exist, again?

Happy Samhain, everybody. Yes, it’s Hallows Eve, finally, and you know what’s creepiest? That we’re playing into the hands of confectionery manufacturers. And, of course, plastic skeletons appear on porches. People burn pumpkins. Children go around in disguise extorting confectionery. And people send wrong Halloween Cards to their otherwise blameless friends. Say Happy Halloween with a Wrongcard and only mildly annoy them. As far as gifts go – well, they’re free and slightly less tacky than a plastic jack-o-lantern.

Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Trick'o'treating teaches children how to run extortion rackets for candy. You might as well just TELL them to grow up and become bankers.
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about this card: apprentice | I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.
Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: The best way to terrify children on Halloween is to take them along on your morning commute and explain to them that theis will be part of their daily routine for about forty years.
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about this card: commute | Once there were people who knew all sorts of surprising facts. We respected them. Now, when people know surprising facts, we just figure they spent their lunch-hour at wikipedia. There's no thrill to being informed anymore. That's why I became a wikipedia editor. BTW if anyone tells you Halloween is about 'giant duck aliens', you're welcome.
Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: The most successful 'trick or treat' in history was carried out by some merry pranksters in the Wall Street investment banking community, and it led to the passing of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.
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about this card: wall street | When the silver-haired man on the television says that government has to get out of the way of big business, and that regulations hurt America, I nod sternly. His teeth look expensive. When the man says that regulations are good for women's bodies and that marriage has to be regulated to prevent gays from being happy, I nod sternly. We can all wear gold watches if we work hard.
Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Every year my stupid voodoo-obsessed cat starts prophesying your death. Next time I'm getting one that's a nihilist.
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about this card: nihilist cat | On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince a single individual that I am some kind of imaginary friend that only they can see.
Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Let's get dressed up as suburban parents, knock on doors and ask if the candy is gluten-free.
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about this card: suburban halloween | The creepiest thing about Halloween is how it ritualistically teaches children to accept candy from strangers. The second creepy thing is that processed sugars are harmful and addictive substances that people just give to children anyway. The third creepy thing is that there's a goddamn skeleton covered in slightly damp meat, reading these words. What. I have to be the only one who's unsettled?
Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: If you dont decorate the front of your house with morbid, grisly plastic ornaments that were manufactured in China, then people think you're some kind of weirdo.
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Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Decorating a front lawn with the rotting fruits of a late-night grave robbery is a felony. But sometimes, an authentic Halloween requires that we go that extra mile.
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Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: May ten thousand nightmarish, pumpkin-headed creatures armed with Kalashnikovs and rocket-propelled grenades stage a violent and bloody military coup this Halloween.
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Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Halloween not creepy enough? how about now with this picture of tom cruise talking about scientology?
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Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: There is more to halloween than looking at goth chicks on myspace. get out there and scare a child.
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