Halloween Ecards

Celebrate Samhain with our wickedly wrong Halloween ecards. Less tacky than plastic jack-o-lanterns, perfect for extorting laughs instead of candy.

Halloween ecard with text: Trick'o'treating teaches children how to run extortion rackets for candy. You might as well just TELL them to grow up and become bankers.

apprentice

I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.

Halloween ecard with text: The best way to terrify children on Halloween is to take them along on your morning commute and explain to them that theis will be part of their daily routine for about forty years.

Terrifying Commute

Once there were people who knew all sorts of surprising facts. We respected them. Now, when people know surprising facts, we just figure they spent their lunch-hour at wikipedia. There's no thrill to being informed anymore. That's why I became a wikipedia editor. BTW if anyone tells you Halloween is about 'giant duck aliens', you're welcome.

Halloween ecard with text: The most successful 'trick or treat' in history was carried out by some merry pranksters in the Wall Street investment banking community, and it led to the passing of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.

wall street

When the silver-haired man on the television says that government has to get out of the way of big business, and that regulations hurt America, I nod sternly. His teeth look expensive. When the man says that regulations are good for women's bodies and that marriage has to be regulated to prevent gays from being happy, I nod sternly. We can all wear gold watches if we work hard.

Halloween ecard with text: Every year my stupid voodoo-obsessed cat starts prophesying your death. Next time I'm getting one that's a nihilist.

nihilist cat

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince a single individual that I am some kind of imaginary friend that only they can see.

Halloween ecard with text: Let's get dressed up as suburban parents, knock on doors and ask if the candy is gluten-free.

suburban halloween

The creepiest thing about Halloween is how it ritualistically teaches children to accept candy from strangers. The second creepy thing is that processed sugars are harmful and addictive substances that people just give to children anyway. The third creepy thing is that there's a goddamn skeleton covered in slightly damp meat, reading these words. What. I have to be the only one who's unsettled?