Why do these need to exist, again?
Happy Samhain, everybody. Yes, it’s Hallows Eve, finally, and you know what’s creepiest? That we’re playing into the hands of confectionery manufacturers. And, of course, plastic skeletons appear on porches. People burn pumpkins. Children go around in disguise extorting confectionery. And people send wrong Halloween Cards to their otherwise blameless friends. Say Happy Halloween with a Wrongcard and only mildly annoy them. As far as gifts go – well, they’re free and slightly less tacky than a plastic jack-o-lantern.
I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.
Once there were people who knew all sorts of surprising facts. We respected them. Now, when people know surprising facts, we just figure they spent their lunch-hour at wikipedia. There's no thrill to being informed anymore. That's why I became a wikipedia editor. BTW if anyone tells you Halloween is about 'giant duck aliens', you're welcome.
When the silver-haired man on the television says that government has to get out of the way of big business, and that regulations hurt America, I nod sternly. His teeth look expensive. When the man says that regulations are good for women's bodies and that marriage has to be regulated to prevent gays from being happy, I nod sternly. We can all wear gold watches if we work hard.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince a single individual that I am some kind of imaginary friend that only they can see.
The creepiest thing about Halloween is how it ritualistically teaches children to accept candy from strangers. The second creepy thing is that processed sugars are harmful and addictive substances that people just give to children anyway. The third creepy thing is that there's a goddamn skeleton covered in slightly damp meat, reading these words. What. I have to be the only one who's unsettled?