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Workplace Ecards

Workplace Ecard with text: 'Remember: do not bite a colleague or co-worker, no matter how agitated you are feeling, because they will get really disappointed in you.'

agitated

After I realized that I had mastered Workplace Behavior, Norms and Etiquette, I realized it would be selfish of me not to share my knowledge with others. So I started to encode subtle Workplace Survival Tips into certain cards - today's card, for example. There's no need to thank me ... I do it for the glory.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: I'm not going to get angry today provided nobody provokes me by breathing too loudly.

not getting angry

What people sometimes call 'anger management issues' I prefer to describe as 'an impaired ability to cope with fools and idiots'. Of course, I'm not one to promote bad-tempered irrationality (I'm no Bill O'Reilly) but we're all entitled to our moments, and a deficit of sleep might make this card seem useful.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: Everybody works for the man. But nobody knows who the man is. But one day I will find out who he is and strangle him. And then I will be the man. Until then, your job is to buy me lunch and appreciate me. Later I will probably reward you.

mission statement

Everyone should have a mission statement. If you don't have one yet my advice is to write one that would make your Human Resources department panic. You should listen to me because the laws that govern probability suggest that I'll be right about everything at least part of the time. And today I'm feeling lucky.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: If you see a bison on your way home today, disregard it. Do not attract the attention of the bison under any circumstances.

disregard bison

A new workplace card is long overdue. When I sat down to create one today my mind turned naturally and predictably to the large, even-toed ungulates within the subfamily Bovinae, or bison. Please don't attempt to connect the dots - the association makes vivid sense provided it is not subjected to careful analysis.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: I have been looking into it and apparently being evil pays pretty well and is probably more rewarding than what I'm doing now.

being evil

Do you ever find yourself blacking out and waking up hours later in a field several miles from your home holding a dead squirrel and having no memory of how you got there? Yeah, I don't either and I blame the people around me for expecting more of me than that. I did a card about Being Evil. I don't advise sending it to anyone.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: I have no particular opinion about the overall worth of middle-management. And a picture of a hanging man in silhouette.

middle management

You know what bugs me? Being told I have pathological problems with authority. I just don't see it, man. And besides, why I should be subjected to psycho-babble just because I rightly understand that if I don't terrorize a middle-manager every day the entire world will fall into a thousand years of darkness, with pestilence and giant clowns? I'm a bit disappointed in psychiatry, too, obviously.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: I am not admitting anything here - I am simply saying that you should probably use hand sanitizer after using the photocopier.

photocopier advice

I think I made this card for the Covid outbreak, as a way of encouraging people to use hand sanitizer. Yes, technically I first published this card in May, 2010, but I've always been ahead of the curve.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: 'i will be busy all day concealing a violent attitude towards authority and I do not wish to be disturbed'

busy all day

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card like this and then spend the rest of the day writing letters to various newspaper editors requesting more coverage of the small African nation of Bunwabe. I sign the letters 'concerned'. Bunwabe is a country I completely made up. I believe that one day I'll know why I do this.

Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: Try not to regard it as 'pissing your life away in an office job' and see it more as a Devil's Bargain you made, trading adventure and excitement for the sake of security that you never regret, except between midnight and three am

devils bargain

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Workplace

Workplace Ecard with text: Remember: a capacity for critical thought may diminish your ability to experience actual job satisfaction. You might want to try reality television. Or eating glue.

actual job satisfaction

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Workplace

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