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Workplace | PAGE 1

Workplace Ecards. Oh look ... slightly inappropriate jokes about committing a bit of light arson at work. Harmless, really.

Human Resources probably frowns on these cards but you can probably argue that you were just trying to raise company morale by making the workplace a more cheerful environment. They probably won’t buy it though: they never do. It might not be a good idea to send these greeting cards around the office unless you feel like getting fired. We are not experts on differentiating Workplace Inappropriate from Appropriate and we have cards here advocating arson for God-sakes. Maybe you could table this question in a meeting?

Workplace Ecard with text: Companies are always looking for someone who can think outside the box. They like to hire them, and force them to not think outside the box.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: thinking outside the box | One time in a job interview someone asked me if I could think outside the box. Now, if I'd said YES, I'd be thinking INSIDE the box, which is tantamount to saying NO. So I just said, "Have you ever woken up to find a Chinese man licking your foot?" Then they got uncomfortable and the interview ended. My point is, the world is a confused place. And the fact I'm NOT confused doesn't make it any easier.
Workplace Ecard with text: 'They say it's our fear of failure that holds us back. But I blame Human Resources for hiring stupid middle-managers.''
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: fear of failure | 'I no longer work in an office environment: people couldn't handle my realness. It's a pity because I really enjoyed it, especially 'Mysterious Fire Mondays.' I miss the middle-management types, mostly. I miss seeing the good-natured fear in their eyes whenever I visited their houses late at night to remind them that 'everybody sleeps sometime'.
Workplace Ecard with text: so what IS human resources' policy concerning the stapling of a co-worker to his/her desk?
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: staplers | It is hard to remember that, although Wrongcards is now a mega-corporation with global brand-awareness and a market saturation rivaling that of Coca-Cola, we were once a small outfit run by one man and a telepathic dog. In 2008, before we sold out to corporate interests, my dog told me to make this card. Or to feed her. Look it's not important.
Workplace Ecard with text: If our managers care about workplace morale as much as they say they do, then why havent they thrown themselves out of a window?
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: its all lies | Some of my closest friends are managers. It's a perfectly respectable job, especially for people who are unable to do anything else. And I get along fine with managers, once they've learned how much easier it is to not ask me questions, like: 'what is it you do here, Che?' or 'why won't you give me back those compromising photos?' On the whole I'd be bored without them.
Workplace Ecard with text: They're not paying me enough money to NOT answer emails honestly.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: workplace honesty | Writing work emails is easy. First, I write what I have to say on a piece of paper, then I carefully set fire to that paper and stamp the ashes into oblivion. Then I take a muscle relaxant, sit down at my desk and type up the opposite of what I wrote on the paper and click send. Finally I stab my childhood teddy bear in the head with a pair of scissors.
Workplace Ecard with text: At least 45 percent of my unwritten job description is the concealment of exasperation.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: job description | In the workplace I'm quiet and keep to myself unless I'm engaged in workplace activism like organizing lunchtime hunger-strikes for a Free Tibet or for Free Bagels, or petitioning for departmental cage fights. I got the janitors to go on strike. That's right, they're not taking any more rubbish. Just a little joke. Sometimes I'm not very serious.
Workplace Ecard with text: Thank you for coming into work sick and giving us all Avian/Swine Flu while bravely showing us all what a trooper you are.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: presenteeism | Planet Earth has been a blast lately. On the positive side, everybody has jumped on the 'Socially Isolating Yourself' bandwagon; guys, I've actually been doing that my entire life! I even built an entire website to help people become more socially isolated. You can just share cards like this with people and you're done. You don't even need to pretend to sell Essential Oils any more.
Workplace Ecard with text: You are not allowed to be bored at work until AFTER you have forced Human Resources to amend the Employee Handbook with fourteen pages detailing the prohibition of Weaponized Squid Delivery Devices.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: flee from cephalopods | Sometimes when I need my subordinates to take my authority seriously I hire an elderly actor to talk to an empty chair. It reassures them. I have only drugged my employees' orange juice twice, and only as a joke, not to extend their productivity or anything because that would be unethical. I believe a workplace should be happy place filled with experimentation and fear.
Workplace Ecard with text: I am sorry about how I acted at work but in my defense I was pretty stoned most of the day. i did take the time to do some pretty wicked origami though.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: just stoned | 'On Wednesdays I like to post a slightly older card and then I invariably I do something practical, like my taxes. I always put a dead bird into the envelope I send to the IRS - when they call me up about it I say it was an accident. FYI: federal employees are not paid enough to audit people who accidentally mail dead animals to them. I'm here to help.'
Workplace Ecard with text: I am on vacation, so I'll see you weirdos later.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: vacation | In the US everyone seems to go on vacation in August - my inbox is full of out-of-office emails. If they're not doing anything, I'm not either: and did I mention today is re-hash Wednesday? Screw work, I'm off to steal office supplies. And maybe I'll redirect all print queues to the Vatican. The day is pregnant with possibilities...
Workplace Ecard with text: 'Remember: do not bite a colleague or co-worker, no matter how agitated you are feeling, because they will get really disappointed in you.'
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: agitated | After I realized that I had mastered Workplace Behavior, Norms and Etiquette, I realized it would be selfish of me not to share my knowledge with others. So I started to encode subtle Workplace Survival Tips into certain cards - today's card, for example. There's no need to thank me ... I do it for the glory.
Workplace Ecard with text: I'm not going to get angry today provided nobody provokes me by breathing too loudly.
Workplace Ecards view
about this card: not getting angry | What people sometimes call 'anger management issues' I prefer to describe as 'an impaired ability to cope with fools and idiots'. Of course, I'm not one to promote bad-tempered irrationality (I'm no Bill O'Reilly) but we're all entitled to our moments, and a deficit of sleep might make this card seem useful.

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