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Ecard text: You would probably receive Christmas presents as well if you did what most of us do and pretend to be Christian.
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When I was growing up the most I knew about Jewish people was that they didnt believe in Christmas and liked to wear very small hats. Still, every year I give at least one Jewish friend a Christmas present. Its not required, of course, but cultural sensitivity is all about making others speechless with gratitude.



The Story So Far, Part I

I just disappeared for four years. It's time to come out from the woodwork, but where do I start? How about I go back to the middle?

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Jewish cards

Ecard text: Happy Jewish New Year. Though I think if you move it to January 1st we would all find it easier to remember.
So I spent this week camping in the White Mountains in New Hampshire and mostly feeling terrified of bears. The Jewish New Year came and went and I was oblivious to the whole thing this time. Another thing I'm afraid of is firecrackers and people dancing about in dragon costumes. Thank God I'm agnostic.
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Topical cards

Ecard text: We can argue all day whether or not God gets high, but I think the evidence is clear.
I never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
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Topical cards

Ecard text: Nothing brings forth the thrill of the hunt quite like opening the door to Jehovah's Witnesses.
For those among us who are religiously tolerant enough to get away with laughing at the religiously intolerant, here is today's wrongcard. For everyone else, well, I look forward to your letters.
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Mothers Day cards

Ecard text: Thank you for not sending me down a river in a basket made from reeds so that I might be found by a Childless Queen and raised in that strange, distant realm to be a great and terrible leader of men.
I'm not allowed to celebrate Mother's Day with Mother, so each year I make a life-sized doll, you see, and I sit with her at the table and we make tea and I bring her favorite cigarettes and liquorice. When it is over I take her outside and set her on fire. Without traditions we would all be lost.
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