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Ecard text: Thank you Mother for refraining from eating me when I was small, and thus making this Mothers Day card possible.
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They say that my Mum had a very generous spirit. I have few memories of her, mostly they're of her leaving to go out on her rounds in her nurses uniform. It's a pity she wasn't a nurse. Mother's Day is an important holiday/scam run by the greeting card industry. I'll be honest about it at least until Wrongcards is profitable, after which I'm obligated to pretend it's not nonsense.

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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The Story So Far, Part II

I had just learned I was about to become a father. The timing was somewhat less than ideal. You see ...

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Ecard text: 'Merry Christmas. Remember: it's probably not very sensitive to be leaving out cookies for a man who famously struggles with his weight.'
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Ecard text: Dad, you will always be a shining example of what will happen to me if I don't do any cardio.
If it weren’t for women I don’t reckon men would bother with Fathers Day. And the concept of birthdays doesn’t make sense to us either. “HE knows it’s the annivesary of his birth: why do WE have to remind him?” Also - cutlery wouldn't exist without women. We'd still have can-openers though. We’d have racks of really, really expensive can-openers hanging proudly on our walls.
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Ecard text: So it turns out that trying to order panda in a Chinese restaurant is considered offensive.
I want to go to India one day; I love the food and the people seem really nice, despite Hollywood making them out to be violent, tomahawk-wielding lunatics who'll attack anyone in a cowboy hat. But then, I'm a worldly, cosmopolitan sort of guy. And one time I ate Chinese food. Cooked by a retired warlord called General Tso. My life is amazing!
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