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Ecard text: You have no reason to be unhappy. Here are half a dozen better reasons to be unhappy.
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'Sometimes people say they are sad and they list off their reasons for being sad and I think to myself: these are good reasons to feel sad, but I have some better ones. I guess that if someone is feeling melancholy then, well, why should it be for amateurish reasons? It's called 'seizing the teachable moment'. And you guys? You don't pay me enough.'



The Harvard Skull Fiasco is Now Available

There's a new book out in the world, and I wrote it.

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Ecard text: Happy Valentines Day, etc. I honestly bought you chocolate but can no longer find it and am now operating under the theory that it was eaten by raptors.
Some say that Valentines Day is a commercialized confidence trick played on lovers, a cloying manufactured holiday, a manipulative marketing mechanism. But me? I only worry about two things. One, that if you don't buy someone chocolate right now, your entire relationship will crumble to pieces. And two, that raptors may not be as extinct as "the authorities" claim.
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Cheer Up cards

Ecard text: I am sorry you are depressed and hope it is a rational depression arising from feelings of helplessness and futility about the world's burgeoning ecological problems and not because you have silly hair.
Today's card is my way of helping people overcome depression. However, you should all understand that I can't do too good a job on Cheer Up Cards because pharmaceuticals companies will try to sue me for loss of income. So I hope you all have a *mostly* happy Tuesday.
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Easter cards

Ecard text: Sorry I'm not in the mood for Easter this year. Here is a drawing of a Basilosaurus instead.
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Inspirational cards

Ecard text: People would not suffer from depression if they knew how to steal helicopters.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day working as a volunteer at a telemarketing company. I'm surreptitiously turning the place into a preemptive suicide hot-line. Everyone I call is pretty confused, of course, but I guess I just believe in changing institutions from within.
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