Aside from the fact that, generally speaking, your baby has poor personal hygiene and is lazy, incoherent, unmotivated, self-absorbed, and hogging all the attention, I think the child has a lot to recommend it.

'People are always going and having babies and expecting us to give them gifts. But how can anything we give them top The Miracle of Life? Thats what I ask, but everyone says: no, no you've got to give them a present anyway. So I send a small bottle of rum ("for the baby") or an ecard like this one. Anything to avoid babysitting.'