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Apology Ecards
disappointment
Sometimes I coordinate workplace behavioral studies. For instance, it is possible to stimulate the amygdala, or the 'panic' center of the brain, merely by setting ordinary office equipment on fire. I then write copious notes on how my co-workers react. Because that's how much I want to be a scientist. This apology card should be sent after the firemen turn off the automatic sprinkler system.
deeply profoundly
Sometimes I cover my face, pretend to be upset, and say to people, 'I've been having some emotional problems lately' which is my way of saying: 'soon you're going to find the roadkill that I've hidden under your bed. I hope we will still be friends'. Friendships; they take work. Today's rehash Wednesday card is for saying sorry. See? I'm your friend.
in my defense
Apologies are like nailing a dead fruit bat to someone’s door. You don’t want to do it but it stops people complaining.
hallucinated
Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.
argument
They say the best way to fight fire is with fire, but fire is useful for fighting all sorts of other things. Bees, for instance. Noisy neighbors. People who stand near bus stops in rabbit costumes. On another topic - sometimes people will try to get you to apologize by apologizing first for something less significant than, say, setting fire to someone's aunt. It's a rhetorical trick - don't fall for it!
effortless
Apologies? Well, there are times when the Nice People From Human Resources have ushered you into a special meeting, and they've given you a scone and tea and are talking in careful measured tones about 'conduct', whatever the hell that is. When that happens, don't throw the scone at anyone. Trust me. Anyhoo, I've got nothing to say about apologies.
wise
People say 'You're an easy person to agree with.' Or, 'It's easier just to agree with you' or something. I dunno, I try not to listen to flattery. Oprah once said that saying sorry is a sign of emotional intelligence but that doesn't help you at all if you don't do anything wrong. Some days I'm not sure Oprah is as infallible as I want her to be.
unambiguous
On Wednesdays I typically like to post an older card you might not have seen yet and then I spend the rest of the day posting pages and pages of random numbers to random postal addresses over in eastern Afghanistan and north-west Pakistan. It'll probably drive a couple of people at the CIA completely nuts. You know, I wasn't like this at all until the government cancelled Gilmore Girls.
afterwards
Yesterday I stepped onto a plane and half a day later I was in Granada, Spain. I shall be here for three weeks. I am not fully prepared so I don't know how to say in Spanish, 'look, officer, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and.. look behind you! A three-headed monkey!' But there's no need to be prepared if you're good at apology...
tears
Sometimes I know I have erred. I'll be surrounded by security guards, plastic zip-ties around my wrists, and my grandmother will be explaining 'me' to them over the phone. I have learned, for instance, that banks are not optimum places to play paint ball (though I still think we'd all appreciate some signage). Point? When in error, I apologize. Apologies are how I start the next game...