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Baby Ecards

Baby Ecard with text: I was going to bring your new baby gold, frankincense and myrrh but I remembered how badly that can turn out.

december baby

Things might be getting Christmassy but people still seem to be having babies regardless. I don't have a problem with it because you can buy the child one present per year and say: 'this is for your birthday AND Christmas'. This also means more money to spend each year on expensive, imported gourmet puddings.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: I'm sorry I cannot babysit your child but I suffer from a debilitating phobia of orange-colored excrement.

debilitating

Babies happen, and when one happens near you, you'd best be prepared. I'm not saying that babies aren't great to be around for a few minutes but there ARE a lot of good PC games coming out in the next three months. What's today's card? Your ticket to freedom.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: 'I'm not saying you have a parasite growing inside of you. I'm saying you're growing a parasite in you that will emerge in a gross spectacle of blood and gore to make demands on your tim efor something like twenty years or more.'

parasites

You know how it is when you get bored and want to mess with the minds of certain friends or family-members who are 'with child'? Well, I have a strategy for that - a little something I like to call, 'saying things that are true'.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: In fairness to myself, the only reason I don't want to hear all about your pregnancy is because I think the process is icky.

fairness to myself

Today's card is for those who talk frankly about their pregnancies. Or rather, today's card is not for those people. Remember: one of the dangers of Wrongcards is that when you send them to others you run the risk of making yourself understood. I hope this message finds you fine and well.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: Congratulations on the birth of your baby, if indeed it IS your baby and not the baby I read about on the back of my milk carton.

milk baby

You can send today's card to new parents. Or rather - you shouldn't. New parents can be awfully prickly and humorless - after all, they've just crushed their dreams. But then again, maybe you should. I think the decision really boils down to whether or not you like their cooking. Once again, I'm here to help.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: Placenta should never go to waste.

old fashioned advice

I can't help it - people I know keep having babies. It's been my experience that new parents get really nervy and upset if you say stuff like 'You know, toddlers are awesome when they're high!' Just in case you were going to say something like this.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: Aside from the fact that, generally speaking, your baby has poor personal hygiene and is lazy, incoherent, unmotivated, self-absorbed, and hogging all the attention, I think the child has a lot to recommend it.

lazy and unmotivated

People are always going and having babies and expecting us to give them gifts. But how can anything we give them top The Miracle of Life? Thats what I ask, but everyone says no, no you've got to give them a present anyway. So I send a small bottle of rum (for the baby) or an ecard like this one. Anything to avoid babysitting.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: Statistical fact, some babies grow up to be mass murderers.I'm not saying it's going to happen in your case - I'm just pointing out that you're playing Russian Roulette with statistics.

russian roulette

And today's card is for new parents. Bless their hearts, they get so nervy when you mention statistics, which is something you Should Never Do. Unless you're bored and there's nothing on television.

Baby

Baby Ecard with text: I am sure your baby is going to be more special than all the other babies in the world, and that this is not some trick of evolutionary psychology to keep you from ever forgetting where you last put it.

all babies are special

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Baby

Baby Ecard with text: Let's get this out of the way now: I will not be interested in hearing about your child until it grows into something more interesting. Like an arsonist.

more interesting

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Baby