It's the thought that counts, isn't it?
So, you need to send an appropriate birthday card. Well, obviously, you’re in the wrong place - or are you? I’m not trying to offer funny birthday cards here. The reflex is purely involuntary, I assure you. I’m convinced that if women didn’t exist, neither would birthdays. Nor cutlery, but that’s another topic. The point is, as far as online birthday cards go, these e-cards have one noteworthy advantage, which is that they’re free. And as any alliterative person of means might suggest, the spending of shekels is but a sad substitute for sincerely-stated sentiment. If you want to say ‘Happy Birthday’, well these ecards are the best free birthday cards that money can buy. And by the way, you’re welcome.
Life's been boring lately apart from a global pandemic, murder hornets, millions saying the virus is a hoax, plus riots, nitwits who think masks don't need to cover their noses, people posting on social media about Bill Gates using 5G for mind-control, and billionaires using social media for, um, actual mind-control, plus Nazis and possibly another plague but everything's fine I guess how are you.
Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.
Did you know only 12 million Americans believe that the USA is secretly run by lizard people? It's a very disappointing statistic but lizards are good at disinformation. Today's wrongcard is for birthdays so why, then, am I talking about lizard people? Oh who knows why I do anything.
It's someone's birthday today, maybe not yours or mine but it's someone's; it's commonsense. I know lots about people and most of what I know about people I learned from spiders. Though wasps, when you think about it, are a kind of winged spider. Spiders don't hum like wasps, they just whistle. Nobody really knows why.
I'll go ahead and admit it: today's card is silly. Usually I like to keep things pretty serious here because we live in grave, uncertain times and I don't want anyone to think I'm a frivolous person. Still, I can joke about cosmetic surgery because I'd never spoil a surprise. People love surprises. "Wake up! While you were sleeping I fixed your nose! Now you have two!" I am awesome at friendship...
If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.
It's a good rule of thumb that you should always be nice to other people or else they won't give you a piece of cake on their birthdays. You can elect not to be nice and instead sneak into their houses and eat their cake while they're sleeping but take it from me, Cake Burgling is not the caper-filled dream job that we all grew up hoping it would be. So be nice to people today, okay? And send this card to someone!
I hate seeing humanoids with black eyeballs. It makes it so much harder to relate to them. Now I'm not a judgmental person (except when I take an instant dislike to someone because I don't like their hat) but if I see a reptilian creature with bat wings I cross the street. I think it's because I don't want to get caught up in all their drama.
"You didn't give me a Birthday card," she said. "Oh that's right, your Birthday is in September. When is it exactly?" "It was two weeks ago." "Hmm, I should buy you a card." "You OWN a greeting card company!" "That's right, I do - so can I make you a card, then? It's just that it would be cheaper for me." "Alright," she said, "but I want it to be a nice card. A picture of a puppy or something."
“But do you understand it?” I asked a friend. He said, ”I'm seeing a birthday zebra that's troubled by its temporary individuality, isolation and detachment, but will happily return to the unremarkable anonymity of herd experience tomorrow”. I looked at him and said: “Actually I just wanted to draw a zebra."
Do you know anybody having a birthday this weekend? If so, this is not really the best card to send them. Unless you're giving them a completely rubbish present and you want to draw attention away from it. I once gave someone a chocolate bar wrapped up in gift paper, but that was before chocolate bars got so expensive.
And we're back from my mid-Autumn hiatus with a Birthday Card. I know a lot of you were beginning to worry that I'd gone and got myself eaten by a bear. I haven't stopped being vigilant of course but around this time of year in Cambridge, MA, I'm more worried about being attacked by supermarket wolves.
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