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Home Ecards
so uptight
I would never defecate in my own bath, obviously ; it's unhygienic. But I'd definitely do it in the bath of my enemies. Amusing story: the head of Human Resources never locks her upstairs bathroom window. Actually, I just remembered - the legal advice I received prevents me from continuing that story, which is a pity really. On a different topic, the head of HR has used up all her mental health days for this year. Talk about neurotic!
spat in your ice cream
First of all, if I did spit in somebody's ice cream - and I'm not saying I did - then maybe that person should have bought me an ice cream as well. If they'd just been a little less selfish then maybe we wouldn't be here. Also, why do people always want to bring Human Resources into everything? Wouldn't it have been simpler just to buy someone an ice cream? Nobody in Human Resources has ever bought me an ice cream either. What do those people even do, anyway?
unique and special
Most people get upset at originality. Be different, they say, but not too different. Be unique, but not too unique. Be talented, not so much that you make others feel inadequate. Dislike, say, floral-print sofas, but don't, like, set them on fire or anything. I set a few couches on fire and everyone's like, why can't you be more ordinary, and I'm like, why is everybody so tolerant of floral-print couches? How am I the bad guy here?
here is your card
The thing I noticed about other people's birthdays is that they never feel as good as mine. Like, if the custom was that everybody had to buy me a present on their birthday, I'd probably enjoy it a lot more. There's something about people's birthdays that makes them seem really selfish. This is why I sometimes put spiders in people's birthday cakes. Making people better is a duty that I shall not shirk.
totally drew this
Sometimes I sleep over at a girl's house because I can't be bothered going home on the bus. Sometimes it's because I've been fighting with bus ticket inspectors. Why can't they just accept I'm never buying a ticket? Anyway, the problem with sleeping over at a girl's house is they get upset when you ask them to sleep on the couch. Girls - and ticket inspectors - have no real grasp of hospitality.