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Dark Humor Ecards

Celebrity OCD Olympics Political Satire
OCD Ecard with text: If people flush the toilet without closing the lid then aerated particles of fecal matter churn into the air and settle on your towel, in your lungs, your toothbrush and every surface in the room. Welcome to the harsh reality of obsessive compulsive disorder.

mysophobic

'Every Wednesday I post an older card, then I watch TV so corporations can tell me which foods to eat through the next year, and where to buy their diabetes meds the year after that, and which politician they think is most cooperative. Also: did you know how much bacteria is in your bathroom? If you're not worried then the germs have already won.'

OCD

Dark Humor Ecard with text: We know that Sigmund Freud never got to the bottom of the question 'what is it that women really want?' because his final work was not a volume of cupcake recipes.

cupcakes

Romance. It can't be avoided. It has all the sad inevitability of scabies. And what is romance, anyway? On the one hand, you say you don't like someone at work but when their house burns down suddenly I'm the bad guy. And some men grow up eating crayons. Love is not about taking away a man's crayons. What is Romance? Do I put my elbows on the table anymore? No I don't. So there.

Dark Humor

Dark Humor Ecard with text: Jesus was very adamant. All human relationships with the higher power must be negotiated by a priesthood of men in a palace, presided over by a man in a very pointy hat. It's a Bible thing.

pointy hats

These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.

Dark Humor

Political Satire Ecard with text: I'm sure we will be friends, no matter who you vote for, even if your candidate wins the election and destroys the global economy.

capitol idea

Whenever people say to me 'I don't like to discuss politics' I always assume they're just being polite about being politically clueless and inviting me to instruct them on what to believe. This would probably be an unsound approach if I wasn't really good at understanding the universal truths of the world. I'm also good at understanding social-cues, puzzles and collecting wasps in jars.

Political Satire

Dark Humor Ecard with text: I don't know what scares me more - International Terrorism, or that 46% of American voters believe the world was created in six days.

evolution

One of my daily challenges is the fact that I understand politics better than everybody else. I already know who will win the US election - some really rich Americans who live in Monaco and Switzerland. Normal Americans who live inside the United States won't fare so well, of course, but at least they'll get to have some interesting arguments among themselves at Thanksgiving.

Dark Humor

Olympics Ecard with text: There is no point in watching Olympic-level shot put events because nothing interesting ever happens.

shot put

I used to be quite the athlete back in high school though I had a far less restrained conception of 'competitive' than other students. I probably would have gone pro if the lawyers hadn't shown up talking legalese and waving restraining orders around. Forced into retirement early I guess. Doctors said that sport wasn't for me. Minor ankle injury and a penchant for lighting fires. Whatever.

Olympics

Olympics Ecard with text: Synchronized Swimmers never drown during Olympic Events. And this means that God cannot possibly exist.

synchronized swimming

There was a time when our troubled relationship with the International Olympic Committee still had a chance. In retrospect I think the turning point came when we showed them this card. 'Cause about ten seconds later one them threw a mango at me. Seriously, who does that? Some of those IOC guys can be really immature when confronted with Art.

Olympics

Olympics Ecard with text: Never forget the real unsung heroes of the Olympic Games ... the scientists working tirelessly behind the scenes to create completely undetectable steroids.

unsung heroes

So here's a tip: if you should ever find yourself at a dinner table with some senior IOC officials, don't mention the sentiments of today's wrongcard. They'll blither at you in fluent Belgian or Swiss (or whatever that jibber-jabber was), storm out and leave you with the check. Trust me: it's a good thing I can climb through bathroom windows.

Olympics

Olympics Ecard with text: Finally, people who can only lift heavy objects get to have their day.

weight-lifting

Before the complete breakdown in communication between Wrongcards and the International Olympic Committee (around the time our cards went from being the 'official' to 'unofficial' cards of the Games) we had the idea to make cards explaining each Event. The IOC didn't like it, of course, partisan and revisionist organization that they are...

Olympics

Olympics Ecard with text: The sport we know as Greco-Roman Wrestling actually originated in certain notorious men's restrooms where one party simply wanted to use the bathroom.

greco roman wrestling

You probably haven't heard but the Olympic Games start tomorrow. The Games can be a bewildering time for all of us; people you thought you knew well suddenly reveal they are experts on the topic of discus throwing, though you've never heard them mention discus before in their lives. And, all at once, water polo matters to people. Weird, right? Don't worry. I'll explain everything...

Olympics

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