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page 10

Holiday Ecards

New Year's Ecard with text: the ideal New Years Resolution should include the mention of a dead clown, a chain-saw, a stolen golf buggy, half a pound of peyote and a determination to improve oneself.

an ideal resolution

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New Year's

Christmas Ecard with text: you know they say liberals and atheists undermine Christmas.

undermines christmas

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: I badly wanted to buy you a Christmas present this year but what with this whole economic meltdown and everything... So here is a drawing I did for you of a deer instead. Actually I might have traced it.

adequate christmas

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: Due to prohibitively strict laws in my State, I could not this year contrive to present you with the severed head of Justin Bieber as a Christmas gift. And I say so with heartfelt regret and feelings of utter despondency.

christmas regrets

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: 'It's Christmas! And this year I would like a ZEBRA. Or I won't believe you care about me at all. PS. It has to be alive.'

christmas zebra

Stare off into the distance. 'You're almost as disappointing as Norman...' 'Who is Norman, Ma?' 'Norman was a disappointment. He wasn't a devoted son either. Wanted to run off and 'live his life', whatever that means. All his poor Mother asked for was a zebra. Police never found his body.' 'I'll bring you a zebra mom, I promise.' 'You're a good boy. On your way home, pick me up a carton of cigarettes.'

Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: Santa makes all us comfortable with being lied to by authority figures. He teaches us that gullibility is more likely to be rewarded than skepticism.

the santa claus myth

Long-standing argument with my 6-year-old; she thinks Santa is real and I disagree. She thinks I'm needlessly skeptical. Interestingly, at this point I haven't bought a single Christmas present this year. I mean, there's still time for me to win this argument.

Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: i really wish you a merry Christmas. Even though a bunch of greedy business men will make the holidays seem all tawdry and lame.

a merry christmas

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: Despite being told to stay away from strangers,once a year you will be forced to sit on a stranger's lap. He wears a flimsy disguise that wouldn't fool anyone. Alleged loved-ones will laugh and take photographs of you.

sadistic christmas

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: happy consumer spending holiday! Dont forget to max out your credit cards - the economy needs you to spend beyond your means!

happy consumer holiday

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Christmas

Thanksgiving Ecard with text: Happy Thanksgiving! Lets invite some native Americans over for dinner. We can steal their land while they eat.

invite the natives

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Thanksgiving