Skip to main content

Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Press 'Escape' to close menus
  • Use arrow keys to navigate menus
  • Press 'Enter' to select menu items
page 15

Home Ecards

Celebration Concerned Dark Humor Family Holiday Jewish Just Because Love
Baby Ecard with text: Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your child is born with antlers because antlers are frickin sweet and nobody is the playground is gonna mess with a child born with antlers.

antlers

Last week there was a lot of lovey-dovey romance talk here because of Valentines Day. Did you know that romance can lead to babies? That makes me uneasy. As far as pets go, babies are expensive. My pet wasp swarm, in contrast, is very cheap to feed: like, two hobos a month or something. I like babies but if you think about it long enough you'll see that wasps are cooler.

Baby

Dark Humor Ecard with text: We know that Sigmund Freud never got to the bottom of the question 'what is it that women really want?' because his final work was not a volume of cupcake recipes.

cupcakes

Romance. It can't be avoided. It has all the sad inevitability of scabies. And what is romance, anyway? On the one hand, you say you don't like someone at work but when their house burns down suddenly I'm the bad guy. And some men grow up eating crayons. Love is not about taking away a man's crayons. What is Romance? Do I put my elbows on the table anymore? No I don't. So there.

Dark Humor

Valentines Ecard with text: Happy valentines day. This is a picture of an earwig. I am the best.

picture of an earwig

On Wednesdays I post an older card then I change the world. I believe we can all change the world, we just need love in our hearts. And seven billion dollars for research and development, and a basement full of kidnapped MIT kids to assemble the first batch of self-replicating robot slave spiders. Changing the world also requires pragmatism.

Valentines

Valentines Ecard with text: Happy Valentines Day, etc. I honestly bought you chocolate but can no longer find it and am now operating under the theory that it was eaten by raptors.

raptors

Some say that Valentines Day is a commercialized confidence trick played on lovers, a cloying manufactured holiday, a manipulative marketing mechanism. But me? I only worry about two things. One, that if you don't buy someone chocolate right now, your entire relationship will crumble to pieces. And two, that raptors may not be as extinct as 'the authorities' claim.

Valentines

Dark Humor Ecard with text: Jesus was very adamant. All human relationships with the higher power must be negotiated by a priesthood of men in a palace, presided over by a man in a very pointy hat. It's a Bible thing.

pointy hats

These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.

Dark Humor

Love Ecard with text: Love is like a rhinoceros with a saddle in the sense that if a pithy ecard with an obscure simile is somehow applicable to your relationship then you should both sit down and, over a nice cup of tea, work out what it is you are both doing wrong.

recursive rhinoceros

'Love is like a rhinoceros wearing a saddle...' Sometimes I'm on fire, and I don't mean when I'm playing with kerosene and a lighter. My doctor says it's because I have a better grasp of reality than most. He stops by occasionally and counsels me and I'm helping him work through some issues with being dead and invisible to his loved ones. Share this card, it has good advice.

Love

Valentines Ecard with text: Here is your Valentines Day card. NOW can you make me a sandwich?

subliminal

'Gentlemen, bad news: Valentines Day is gonna happen any second now. Ladies, yay, you're about to receive a lot of Hallmark nonsense and a bunch of chocolate that you know in your heart is going to go straight to your hips. Puppies? For you, nothing changes, you're still the best things on the planet and I wish there were more of you.'

Valentines

Thank You Ecard with text: Thank you for sparing us the inevitable feelings of social awkwardness that we would both be forced to feel if you were to ever realize that my problems are frequently worse than yours.

my problems

Due to a speech impediment I developed as a child, for many years I was unable to say the words 'thank you' without gnawing on someone's leg. However, after I got over my subconscious fear of invisible silent Qs in words, I found I was finally able to express gratitude verbally. I'd be thanking people all the the time if it wasn't such a sign of weakness.

Thank You

Birthday Ecard with text: Happy Birthday. And remember: heart disease kills about one in every four people.

birthday heart

If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.

Birthday

Inspirational Ecard with text: I think it's cute the way some people believe they have planned for every eventuality.

unexpected bears

It's been years since we published a reminder card, and that's only because we forgot - and there's no better reason for not doing something than that! The second best reason for not doing something is, of course, 'bears'. The sound you just heard in your head? That was just me dropping the mic and walking off-stage.

Inspirational

Previous Next