If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
Whenever people get sad I usually try to make them feel better. I talk about the brief and anonymous life of the gastrotrich, a microscopic fresh-water creature that only lives for three days. People don't like to get sad around me.
Sometimes, when I am enjoying the richness that is my inner-life, I notice that peoples mouths are moving. If I then observe their eyes are looking in my direction, I try to remember to nod musingly, once or twice, as if in profound agreement. Today's card? That's for when I forget.
So I spent this week camping in the White Mountains in New Hampshire and mostly feeling terrified of bears. The Jewish New Year came and went and I was oblivious to the whole thing this time. Another thing I'm afraid of is firecrackers and people dancing about in dragon costumes. Thank God I'm agnostic.
The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.
It is a sad thing but sometimes people can get sick and this may occasionally result in the interruption of one's plans. Experience has taught me that nobody likes it when you leave a bed-side vigil to go jet-skiing. I believe this is because people are fundamentally irrational. Send a Get Well card and THEN you can go jet-skiing.
I've never known much about religion. I guess I'm agnostic because I don't want to wind up having to look surprised. Sadly, having a foot in both camps just means everyone feels obligated to preach at you. Today's card is about the Eating of the Eucharist. It's my way of coping with being recently told that it's not a biscuit.
I never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
'One day an old lady on a bus told me that my being drafted into a war would probably fix everything that she instantly didn't like about me. I realized right away that this is why young people no longer introduce themselves with the words "at your disposal".'
It's re-hash Wednesday, and normally I'd like to touch upon the Great Themes of Western Philosophy but sadly the whole Western canon was recently patented by Apple. So here is a picture of some very happy rabbits.
The question of where one stands on the topic of Family largely depends on how much advice they've given you. I've been subjected to special quantities of well-intentioned advice that I've never followed. This is, incidentally, why I'm not an oyster farmer.
In the US everyone seems to go on vacation in August - my inbox is full of out-of-office emails. If they're not doing anything, I'm not either: and did I mention today is re-hash Wednesday? Screw work, I'm off to steal office supplies. And maybe I'll redirect all print queues to the Vatican. The day is pregnant with possibilities...
Babies happen, and when one happens near you, you'd best be prepared. I'm not saying that babies aren't great to be around for a few minutes but there ARE a lot of good PC games coming out in the next three months. What's today's card? Your ticket to freedom.