Skip to main content

Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Press 'Escape' to close menus
  • Use arrow keys to navigate menus
  • Press 'Enter' to select menu items
page 6

Holiday Ecards

Christmas Columbus Day Easter Greetings Father's Day Halloween Independence Day Mother's Day New Year's St Patricks's Day Thanksgiving
Father's Day Ecard with text: Dad, you will always be a shining example of what will happen to me if I don't do any cardio.

shining example

If it weren’t for women I don’t reckon men would bother with Fathers Day. And the concept of birthdays doesn’t make sense to us either. “HE knows it’s the annivesary of his birth: why do WE have to remind him?” Also - cutlery wouldn't exist without women. We'd still have can-openers though. We’d have racks of really, really expensive can-openers hanging proudly on our walls.

Father's Day

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Happy Mothers Day. There is no greater proof of my affection for you than the fact that I never set fire to a rival sibling, no matter how funny it would have been.

proof

I'm ignoring our re-hash Wednesday tradition and posting a new card today because, well, I have the power to do so and because I am the boss. Being a boss is like being a king except instead of bringing you courtesans they bring you tea. Today's card is about Mother's Day. I'm sorry I mentioned courtesans before. Sometimes I say things that are a little bit inappropriate. It's a bit of a secret.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Happy Mothers Day. Thank you for raising me to be someone around whom cats are very safe, no matter how amorous I might be feeling.

cat safety

I had a pretty normal childhood even though I was raised by my Nanna after my parents were kidnapped by lizard people. Nanna was in the underground before our side surrendered, and she had to live in 'psychic hiding' (constant inebriation) to avoid detection by mind scanners. So coming up with Mothers Day cards is, of course, a bit tricky. But what I like about this card is that it is reassuring.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day Ecard with text: I think you are a way better mother than Queen Elizabeth II, who promised her son would be king and then hung around living for a million years instead. Because you didn't promise me anything.

queen

People often say to me: 'Who are you?! And how did you get in here?' And I say: 'Sorry, wrong house!' and apologize for eating their yogurt. People also say to me, 'you're a good son, your mother must be proud!' and then I have to explain that I was raised by my grandmother who fed me lizards. And people wonder why I like the taste of yogurt so much.

Mother's Day

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: ‘Eastre’ is the Old English spelling of the name of a Germanic pagan goddess. The Christians named their most important anniversary after her.In today’s marketing language this is called co-branding.

co-branding

Today is Good Friday. That's a public holiday in a lot of the world but not in the U.S., because the earliest colonists here were protestants and they got to set all the rules. When we're kicking off space exploration don't let protestants onto the space ships or there'll be no weekends on Mars. Today's card makes commercial use of religious imagery. In other words: Happy Easter!

Easter Greetings

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: The lesson I have taken away from Easter is that if you are really, really, really nice to people, you will be betrayed by your friends, murdered and then, 2000 years later, everyone will remember you by eating a randomly chosen chocolate animal.

easter lesson

I've been meaning to become religious for a while now. I think I'd be really good at it. Everyone would be DAMN he's good at being religious, and I'd be like I KNOW RIGHT. I'd be better at being religious than Jesus, who, let's face it, kept a back-up career just in case (carpentry). My favorite quote by Jesus? 'Live by the carpentry, die by the carpentry.' See? Good at being religious.

Easter Greetings

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: I’m not saying that you should teach children that the Easter Bunny is a psychotic pan-dimensional demon clown that harvests the souls of bad children with a bloodied rake. I’m saying that if you don’t you’re wasting an opportunity.

psycho easter bunny

Easter? Just a conspiracy perpetrated by a cartel of chocolate manufacturers, right? I mean, we don't own it - some pointy-hatted pontiff does. Sure we can take it back .. from the clergy, the factory-owners, the companies that market diabetes drugs. You see, anyone can change the world, provided they believe. And have billions of dollars and play tennis with Rupert Murdoch.

Easter Greetings

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: We drink to remember St Patrick's liberation of Ireland from the Nazi-Alien occupation of 1932-1956, which you would know all about if you too watched the History Channel.

why we drink

It makes me sad that many people don't take St Patrick's Day seriously. Some will prance about in fatuous green socks, mention some highly unlikely Irish ancestor and then consider their obligations to the thing met. Not me. I'm a messenger. From God, probably. And if I don't explain this holiday then millions will be spending Saturday drunk for no reason at all. So here we go ...

St Patricks's Day

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: Every St Patricks Day I pretend to be Irish by dressing in green, getting really drunk and joining the IRA. It's always so embarrassing looking at the photos the next day.

pretending to be irish

It's re-hash Wednesday and St Patrick's Day is nigh, meaning that fifth-generation Americans will suddenly announce they've been Irish all this time and go out to Samuel Becket readings or stay in to argue passionately about which among Joyce, Heaney and Yeats provided the world with the most literary description of the potato. See? That was one sentence. It's called brevity, Joyce.

St Patricks's Day

Christmas Ecard with text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.

elf

I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.

Christmas

Previous Next