Happy Holidays Cards | PAGE 4

Holiday Cards. An assortment of terribly tasteful Holiday Ecards. Free but ill-advised.

Christmas Columbus Day Easter Greetings Father's Day Fourth of July Halloween Greetings Happy Thanksgiving Mother's Day New Year's St Patricks's Day

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: The wizard in the sky wants you to buy chocolate wrapped in aluminium in remembrance of a politically-motivated execution of a guy who just wanted everybody to get nice. — about this card: sky wizard | I like Easter. It's a time in which I feel a great kinship with everyone because now, more than any other time of year, people are glancing at each other, thinking, 'wait a minute, does this make any sense to you?' In other news I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and, if you're there, you are welcome to buy me tea. Kidnappers need not apply.

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: I am only going to put on green socks and drink alcoholic beverages because it would make a dead religious fanatic from the 5th Century very happy. — about this card: dead fanatic | Like everyone else here, I like to live according to the whims and moral sensibilities of the dead. Countless times I've paused before eating a bun and wondered what St. Gabriel would have to say about its scarcity of raisins. St. Gabriel is the patron saint of communicators (but still the Vatican communicates via smoke signals?!). St. Patrick? I think he hated snakes or something

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: This year let's spend St Patricks Day hanging out with English people and letting them push us around. — about this card: untraditional | 400 years ago Boston was a drop-off point for a religious sect who frowned upon the entire concept of pleasure. But nowadays Bostonians all swear they're from Ireland. I was pretty skeptical they had any Irish ancestry at all until presented with the irrefutable evidence of green socks on St. Patricks Day. Thank God. I thought they were all mad...

New Year's Ecard with text: Late again with the New Years Celebrations, China? Don't worry about the dragons. If you look closely you'll see they have people inside of them. — about this card: chinese new years | Late again with the New Year's Celebrations, China?" has really annoyed some people in the past. One time, I responded to a complaint about it with the observation that they shouldn't feel so insecure, "especially considering how China had given the world so much, like sushi, origami and ninjas." If I haven't mentioned it lately, I really like my job.

New Year's Ecard with text: Here's to surviving the new year with the knowledge that people were more alarmed by Mayan Doomsday Prophesies than they were by scientific projections about the consequences of climate change. — about this card: 2012 | I had a lot of goals this year. Disproving alchemy. Giving someone a brain aneurysm using only logic. Overcoming my habit of stealing zoo animals whenever I feel sad. Anyway. I didn't achieve any of my goals. I was right about knowing how to survive the Mayan Apocalypse though so that's cool. Happy New Years, peoples!

Christmas Ecard with text: So some Italians nailed a pacifist, anti-materialist Jewish guy to a few planks and now we celebrate his birthday with a shopping spree. And while this is not considered tactless, it is considered tactless to mention it. — about this card: a christmas exegesis | On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.

Christmas Ecard with text: 'Merry Christmas, and always remember: you can celebrate Christmas all year round if you know how to shoplift.' — about this card: always remember | Christmas is a time for families. I was raised by my Nanna but she's dead now, though she still appears occasionally in my kitchen at odd hours of the night to howl and gesture menacingly at me. No idea what that's about. At Christmas we would decorate her pet lizards and hook them up to car-batteries to make them dance for us. It was so much fun to be a kid! No idea why I grew up really.

Christmas Ecard with text: I dont want you to get me a Christmas present. I want to sit there on Christmas day looking at you in disbelief that you believed that I didnt want a Christmas present. — about this card: understanding me | Most of us have been busy practicing our Pre-Apocalypse Stop, Drop and Roll Survival Drills so that we might outlive our more 'skeptical' friends. I can't wait to see the surprise on their faces when they're strafed by Pernicious Tabby Cats in Flying Saucers, which is how I suspect the Apocalypse will pan out. I'm usually right about stuff. I'll see you guys at the Christmas looting, ok?!

Christmas Ecard with text: santa is real. and im going to prove it. — about this card: santa is real | On Wednesdays in December I like to post an older card, then I meditate backwards through time and space. Once I traveled back to '02 and had coffee with myself. I tried to convince me that gum boots would be fashionable in 10 years but I didn't believe me. Actually, I haven't believed anything my Future Self has said for about a decade now.

Christmas Ecard with text: St Nicholas was accompanied by a demon who kidnapped and ate bad little children. Look, did you want an authentic Christmas or not? — about this card: bad little children | I've seen the piles of prose penned by prominent pundits in the remainders sections of book stores; there's a Culture War raging on the streets and even Our Christmas Traditions are under attack. Well we're not here to simply offer tasteful ecards - we're here to enlighten civilization. When your Grandchildren ask: where were you during the Culture Wars? you can reply: at Wrongcards...

Happy Thanksgiving Ecard with text: I am sorry I cannot attend Thanksgiving with your family but I would rather kill Nazis on a Playstation than sit with them at a dinner table. — about this card: thanksgiving excuse | It's ALMOST AMERICAN THANKSGIVING. And this card? I created it in 2012 - SEVEN YEARS AGO! It wasn't supposed to be all that relevant. I mean this is Wrongcards not TOTALLY-PRESCIENT-CARDS. Also in 2012, I predicted that the Mayans were wrong and the world wouldn't end around Christmas. I did not, however, predict the rise of gumboots as a fashion accessory. But only because I'm sane.

Happy Thanksgiving Ecard with text: This Thanksgiving I am thankful that our civilization has moved beyond the ritual sacrifice of animals. — about this card: sacrifice | I'm not American but I live in Boston and have learned some of your customs. I know that Thanksgiving is about men sitting about watching sport all day while women cook for them. I have to admit this barbaric cultural practice does offend my modern sensibilities but I guess it's just a tradition that predates our contemporary awareness that men are better cooks than women.

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