If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
I´m sitting on a patio beneath a trellis crawling with lazy grape vines. To my left is a patchwork hill of olive trees and in front of me is a swimming pool. Someone just asked me to help sweep something or clean. I don´t know. I wasn´t listening. I just mention it to reveal how unrealistic people can be when it comes to human psychology. Especially mine.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and celebrate other nations's holidays. I don't know much about the US Independence Day because the movie skimmed a lot of background details but I have no problem remembering Will Smith saving the earth and also punching an alien in the face.
Yesterday I stepped onto a plane and half a day later I was in Granada, Spain. I shall be here for three weeks. I am not fully prepared so I don't know how to say in Spanish, "look, officer, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and.. look behind you! A three-headed monkey!" But there's no need to be prepared if you're good at apology...
I had a responsibility once. Most harrowing four minutes of my life. When the old lady came back and thanked me for minding her groceries I was covered in a dread-laden sweat. I don't need to learn a lesson twice - I've been skirting responsibilities ever since. So even though I want to be an inspiration to you all, I can't teach you this stuff. Have you guys SEEN a calendar? Stressful...
I’m a man who believes in the incredible power of the apology, especially when it comes to getting out of scrapes and evading repercussions. A bunch of people will see today’s card and think it somehow doesn’t apply to their lives. This is a rash and foolish notion and I predict that a good forty-four percent of you will send this card someday. And you know I'm right when I use statistics.
I worry about some things. I worry that there's going to be a zombie outbreak and that most of you aren't going to approach it with the spirit of joie de vivre. 'Cause I've seen the movies and everyone runs around screaming and dying while talking earnestly about their relationships. I want you to all know that I'll do my best to help you survive but no-one is allowed to be a buzz-kill, okay?
I’m aware I have had certain advantages in life. Not every boy gets to grow up knowing his dad was both an astronaut AND an arctic explorer. My grandmother says it’s a pity my dad had to go into hiding when the lizard people from Rigel VI surreptitiously took control of all the world’s major governments, because I’d have really liked him.
If it weren’t for women I don’t reckon men would bother with Fathers Day. And the concept of birthdays doesn’t make sense to us either. “HE knows it’s the annivesary of his birth: why do WE have to remind him?” Also - cutlery wouldn't exist without women. We'd still have can-openers though. We’d have racks of really, really expensive can-openers hanging proudly on our walls.
As an enlightened sort of bloke I often feel a heavy weight of responsibility to help my fellow man understand that Romance topic that women like to yap about. Fellas, try to share half the pizza with her, alright? And remember, romance doesn't cost much when there are free wrongcards to send, or even just fresh flower bouquets laying about unattended near new graves. Here to help.
On Wednesdays I typically post an older card, and then get to work setting up Zombie Preparedness Drills. Drive over to the cemetery at 4am with a shovel and now you've got the day's props. Next it's a matter of arranging bodies where people don't expect to see them. Like kindergartens. Sure the parents throw fits but for me civic duty comes first.
Sometimes I know I have erred. I'll be surrounded by security guards, plastic zip-ties around my wrists, and my grandmother will be explaining 'me' to them over the phone. I have learned, for instance, that banks are not optimum places to play paint ball (though I still think we'd all appreciate some signage). Point? When in error, I apologize. Apologies are how I start the next game...
I'm one of the unlucky few who didn't receive any religious instruction as a kid, so I can't speak with any conviction about who goes to hell and who doesn't. So I just assume that hell is filled with people pointing at each other and saying they are going to hell. If I've learned anything from refusing to believe anything people say it is probably this: that heaven is for the heterodox.