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Home Ecards
this never happened
Whenever a friend comes down with a sore throat or a cold I like to sit at their bedside and offer repeated assurances that it's WAY too early to suspect that this might be the illness that takes their life. And that it's completely absurd to start suspecting Foul Play, while I walk around tapping on the walls as if searching for a hollow sound. I guess I want everybody's life to be an adventure.
sacrifice
I'm not American but I live in Boston and have learned some of your customs. I know that Thanksgiving is about men sitting about watching sport all day while women cook for them. I have to admit this barbaric cultural practice does offend my modern sensibilities but I guess it's just a tradition that predates our contemporary awareness that men are better cooks than women.
thanksgiving excuse
It's ALMOST AMERICAN THANKSGIVING. And this card? I created it in 2012 - SEVEN YEARS AGO! It wasn't supposed to be all that relevant. I mean this is Wrongcards not TOTALLY-PRESCIENT-CARDS. Also in 2012, I predicted that the Mayans were wrong and the world wouldn't end around Christmas. I did not, however, predict the rise of gumboots as a fashion accessory. But only because I'm sane.
argument
They say the best way to fight fire is with fire, but fire is useful for fighting all sorts of other things. Bees, for instance. Noisy neighbors. People who stand near bus stops in rabbit costumes. On another topic - sometimes people will try to get you to apologize by apologizing first for something less significant than, say, setting fire to someone's aunt. It's a rhetorical trick - don't fall for it!
revenge
I just spent 20 minutes looking for my keys - they get moved around by my enemies - and suddenly realized what an awful day Karl Rove must be having. He dropped millions trying to buy his friend a job but it didn't pan out due to an unanticipated technical error (they counted the votes). Then I found my keys. Woot! They were in a boot. I guess Obama and I are both having a good day.
effortless
Apologies? Well, there are times when the Nice People From Human Resources have ushered you into a special meeting, and they've given you a scone and tea and are talking in careful measured tones about 'conduct', whatever the hell that is. When that happens, don't throw the scone at anyone. Trust me. Anyhoo, I've got nothing to say about apologies.
moth man inkblot
On Wednesdays I feature an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to pass myself off as a credible researcher at Harvard Medical School. I carry a clipboard and say things like, 'We're making progress. I think we have reasons to feel optimistic.' Sooner or later they're going to let me play with the bodies.
wall street
When the silver-haired man on the television says that government has to get out of the way of big business, and that regulations hurt America, I nod sternly. His teeth look expensive. When the man says that regulations are good for women's bodies and that marriage has to be regulated to prevent gays from being happy, I nod sternly. We can all wear gold watches if we work hard.
capitol idea
Whenever people say to me 'I don't like to discuss politics' I always assume they're just being polite about being politically clueless and inviting me to instruct them on what to believe. This would probably be an unsound approach if I wasn't really good at understanding the universal truths of the world. I'm also good at understanding social-cues, puzzles and collecting wasps in jars.
celery
Anniversaries, right? People have them. Not me, so much, 'cause I believe that honesty is important in relationships. Wait, is that another thing Oprah was wrong about? Jesus Oprah! Anyway. It's beside the point. This card is pretty much NSFW. But I think most wrongcards are pretty much NSFW because, unlike most, I believe in good taste, decency and mental cleanliness. Happy Thursday...